Author: Melissa

Frances Ha, Lawyers, Dead People, and Taxi Drivers

I was sitting on a bench inside the Bergen St. subway station in Brooklyn, sweating like Rush Limbaugh, when a guy carrying a messenger bag sat next to me. He had the NY Times crossword puzzle almost done. Well, he could’ve just put random letters in there hoping to sit next to a young cute girl and accidentally on purpose show it to her.… Read more

I’m bad at relationships

I haven’t booked a modeling job in over a month because my print agency here in Los Angeles has only sent me on one casting since I’ve been back from London. They either hate me or forgot about me.  I’m still deciding whether I should go to New York or London for a few months this summer so I can book jobs to pay rent in my cheap Koreatown apartment and spend $9,000 on kale at Whole Foods. … Read more

Your portfolio is tacky and your skin sucks.

I woke up this morning- EARLY this morning at 4am because my shit fuck head of a neighbor was up doing drugs and playing the drums.  I called the police. Which is funny because the police were here two days ago to arrest Mark for threating a girl who lives in the building next to us. … Read more

I’m in London and I love it

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http://www.vice.com/en_uk/read/hey-everyone-im-in-london

I’ve been in England for a week – most of which I’ve unfortunately spent drenched in my own jetlag sweats, vomiting expired hazelnut yoghurt into bidets. Other than that blip, and the fact that the combination of bidets and poor nail maintenance is something that the people on the mainland seem overly happy to bear, I love Europe.… Read more

I found myself on one of those “thinspo” sites

http://www.vice.com/en_uk/read/am-i-going-to-be-remembered-by-my-dress-size

If you’ve been a legit model for more than five minutes, you’ll know that being cold and crying takes up an extraordinarily large amount of your time. I’ve got a casting in Tribeca today, and on the way to the subway I just burst into tears.… Read more

I was so close to booking a pregnancy test commercial in Prague.

http://www.vice.com/en_uk/read/im-pregnant-and-im-going-to-prague

Last week I had an audition for a pregnancy test commercial. Initially I was about as thrilled as I would have been had I found out that another human being was swimming around in all the beer and anxiety in my gut.… Read more

Being lonely on set is very common…

http://www.vice.com/en_uk/read/bored-out-of-my-mind-at-sony-studios

Every time my phone rings and I see it’s my agent or manager, I automatically think they are calling to reprimand me about some kind of un-PC tweet I might have thrown at the world – like the time I tweeted about how I wanted to kill myself after an audition, for instance.… Read more

Bikini Auditions, ugh…

60071331ee6aaf95af51db911c6bc04aClick pic for column on VICE website

I had an audition for a beer commercial yesterday. I only really showed up on the off-chance they might have been filming it in a palace in Tobago made out of diamonds and filled with innumerable birds of paradise, but it turned out to be the regular kind where a racially diverse group of attractive college kids are partying like they just discovered cocaine.… Read more

Fuck Ever Getting Old – Young Mom Auditions

0305180235f79253a8e1ee5b9ab3f06eClick pic for column on VICE

I always imagined it would be during a life-changing relationship that I’d have the epiphany I was ready to be a mother. Apparently last week my booker decided to go ahead and make that decision for me.… Read more

Everyone in My Hometown Thinks I’m a Superstar

d757e1e80149cf0ec4178deb73af2071Click pic for column on VICE website.

As much as every smug fuck with a blow out in Whole Foods likes to pretend they’re a native New Yorker, no one really comes from Manhattan or downtown LA. Sorry to everyone out there who thinks the skyscrapers are where they put all the Goodfellas and Wanderers when they escape their lives of street crime and make it big, but these places are actually just inhabited by the most rich and attractive people from the small, shitty nowhere towns littered across North America.… Read more

I’m Drowning in Bird Shit and Self Pity


I’m a shitty model. I book the shitty jobs. I’ll occasionally book a huge print ad that supplies me with enough money to support my coke habit for at least a few months. I’m kidding of course. My salary disappears into designer clothes and therapist appointments.… Read more

Weekly column for VICE!

I’m writing a weekly column for VICE UK. Here’s the first one: http://www.vice.com/en_uk/read/melissa-stetten-pretty-bored-column
Hi. I’m Melissa. I’ll be writing a weekly column for VICE until I run out of things to say or you stop reading, whichever comes first. It’s like the car warranty where you’re covered up to 50,000 miles or for three years, at which point they bend you over the trunk and fuck you in exchange to fix your brakes.… Read more