I’m in my 20s still but would be considered ancient in the modeling world. I have nothing to worry about, really, other than my appearance. That sentence just sounds absurd but it’s my primary burden being a model. You’ve heard all models say “I was SOOO ugly in high school blah blah acne skinny wah wah…” but it was true for me, I had atrocious skin and a dumb lip piercing. Alterna-teen! I finally got on accutane after college and began the luxurious (sarcasm) career of modeling, at an age where most girls are considered old ass hags. I’ve had crazy laser facials to clear my face of scarring from 10 years of popping zits, but it’s still not perfect, that’s what makeup is for. No matter how much I work out, eat healthy, and moisturize my skin I will never be 17. Wow that was depressing. Great perspective on life, Melissa, you Debbie Downer.
My point is, umm, well, I don’t really have one. I’m just learning to endure the fact that I’m trying to flourish in an industry that drools over hot 17 year olds. And why wouldn’t they? Fuck, I look great in a bikini but I have small boobs and a midwestern softball playing lesbian ass. Which means it’s slightly above average. I don’t run 10 miles a day because I eat cheez-its and watch Toddlers & Tiaras, but I did get a juicer! I’ve been drinking the fuck out of some broccoli. Can you juice tacos? I think I just invented something.
I enjoy getting facials (yeah, those ones too) and it’s an important part of my life making sure my skin looks young and fresh, but I do obsess over every blemish and wrinkle. I’m not into botox but I completely apprehend why women go crazy over that stuff. It’s rough trying to contend with teenagers, and if you really think about it there’s a girl being born right now who your husband will probably leave you for in 18 years. Now that I’ve given you confidence that getting married and having children is the best idea because men LOVE being in a committed relationship with a post-baby body 42 year old, it’s probably time for your monthly botox injection.
I’m competitive and jealous. When I see another model at my agency book a good job I auditioned for, I think “Well why the shit didn’t I book that?” It gets me down. I like being the best. I work very hard to book jobs. I pretend that I’m happy for other models when they book great things but I secretly hope they die of cancer from anorexia & laxatives. Kidding!
Another concern with age (great segue dummy!) is my attraction to older men. Do you have any idea how much easier my life would be if I only dated men in their 30s? I’m convinced that single guys older than 40 MUST have commitment and/or mental issues. I seek them out because it makes me seem more sane, which makes me seem crazy. I don’t know what that means. I don’t want to get married or have babies anytime soon, or maybe ever, so it’s wonderful when I find a guy with the same values. I don’t want to have deep conversations about relationships when we’re out to dinner, that is the biggest turn-off ever, it makes the guy look like a needy pussy. I like confident laid-back men who never let the lady pay for anything and have complete confidence in themselves and don’t freak out if I ignore them for a day or take a while to return their texts. That exists right? Fuck. I thought I was talking about modeling? I need a drink.