Age & Looks & All That Bullshit

I’m in my 20s still but would be considered ancient in the modeling world. I have nothing to worry about, really, other than my appearance. That sentence just sounds absurd but it’s my primary burden being a model. You’ve heard all models say “I was SOOO ugly in high school blah blah acne skinny wah wah…” but it was true for me, I had atrocious skin and a dumb lip piercing. Alterna-teen! I finally got on accutane after college and began the luxurious (sarcasm) career of modeling, at an age where most girls are considered old ass hags. I’ve had crazy laser facials to clear my face of scarring from 10 years of popping zits, but it’s still not perfect, that’s what makeup is for. No matter how much I work out, eat healthy, and moisturize my skin I will never be 17. Wow that was depressing. Great perspective on life, Melissa, you Debbie Downer.

My point is, umm, well, I don’t really have one. I’m just learning to endure the fact that I’m trying to flourish in an industry that drools over hot 17 year olds. And why wouldn’t they? Fuck, I look great in a bikini but I have small boobs and a midwestern softball playing lesbian ass. Which means it’s slightly above average. I don’t run 10 miles a day because I eat cheez-its and watch Toddlers & Tiaras, but I did get a juicer! I’ve been drinking the fuck out of some broccoli. Can you juice tacos? I think I just invented something.

I enjoy getting facials (yeah, those ones too) and it’s an important part of my life making sure my skin looks young and fresh, but I do obsess over every blemish and wrinkle. I’m not into botox but I completely apprehend why women go crazy over that stuff. It’s rough trying to contend with teenagers, and if you really think about it there’s a girl being born right now who your husband will probably leave you for in 18 years. Now that I’ve given you confidence that getting married and having children is the best idea because men LOVE being in a committed relationship with a post-baby body 42 year old, it’s probably time for your monthly botox injection.

I’m competitive and jealous. When I see another model at my agency book a good job I auditioned for, I think “Well why the shit didn’t I book that?” It gets me down. I like being the best. I work very hard to book jobs. I pretend that I’m happy for other models when they book great things but I secretly hope they die of cancer from anorexia & laxatives. Kidding!

Another concern with age (great segue dummy!) is my attraction to older men. Do you have any idea how much easier my life would be if I only dated men in their 30s? I’m convinced that single guys older than 40 MUST have commitment and/or mental issues. I seek them out because it makes me seem more sane, which makes me seem crazy. I don’t know what that means. I don’t want to get married or have babies anytime soon, or maybe ever, so it’s wonderful when I find a guy with the same values. I don’t want to have deep conversations about relationships when we’re out to dinner, that is the biggest turn-off ever, it makes the guy look like a needy pussy. I like confident laid-back men who never let the lady pay for anything and have complete confidence in themselves and don’t freak out if I ignore them for a day or take a while to return their texts. That exists right? Fuck. I thought I was talking about modeling? I need a drink.

10 thoughts on “Age & Looks & All That Bullshit”

  1. Yup but you know what when you get older not that im ancient but anyways,

    the truth is everbody sucks were all awfull horrible people deep down with some ocassional good and happy traits, Its like the fable of the Scorpion and tthe Bullfrog were all doomed to do whats in our nature, I guess.

    But you should be proud of your accomplishments you have done a lot, even if sometimes you feel it doesnt matter,

    And you know what i think age is bullshit if your happy thats the important thing other people judge either ways so i say we should just do what makes us happy regardless of who its with as long as its not a child or an animal or a Childish animal which is the worst!

    Yep and your right about the whole planning your life out to dinner dating stinks when your dating someone your not meeting them your meeting there representitive. its awfull and inauthentic and ironically probably the worst way to meet people why do we do it to ourselves???

    meh

    Keep up the blog.

  2. I was watching live from the compound with my boyfriend and saw you. I think your tottaly awesome i will definatly keep looking at you blog. Love ya girl 🙂

  3. It seems that you have the same mindset as a 17 year old guy in high school. That’s not an insult considering that’s exactly what I am. Want to be the best, jealous of other’s’ gigs, don’t want kids or marriage, fucking hate relationship talk and pussyfooting in general. My fellow horny bastard friends and I haven’t been alone since school started since there is so much self conscious, hormone crazed ass just begging for someone to empathize with their troubles and pay for taco bell. That laid back self confident guy exists… in high school. College fucks that whole deal up with responsibilities and the world. BTW, Juicing Taco’s doesn’t work. Burrito Supreme… possible. Much Love Stetter. Keep writing. You are self aware and funny. Try writing for Cracked.com. They’d pay you for this.
    http://www.cracked.com/write-for-cracked/

  4. Could be worse. At least there are people paying to take pictures of you still. What about all those folks that aren’t good looking enough to get a gig like that?

  5. Hey consider yourself blessed and appreciate your blessings! Your beautiful! You should write a book. Seriously, the style of your writing captures your personality and its very humourous and brutally honest. Me gusta!

  6. That was some funny shit… My wife and i just spent the last 45 minutes hangin’ on the couch, laughing our asses off—- you’re not just a model… You’re a goddamn good WRITER—

  7. There’s a book (kindle also) called “The New Science of Perfect Skin” on skin DNA repair and best practices for optimum skin health. Its readable and written by the VP of Estee Lauder’s research dep. (Dr. Daniel Yarosh) and does an amazing job explaining ‘everything’ skin related. Reeeeaaaaaally worth the read.

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