“I love her!”

Waiting in the Diane Von Furstenberg model closet.

Oh goodie, it’s market month again. That means two things: I’ll make decent money and I’ll be bored out of my fucking mind. I’m actually writing this from a showroom, wearing a nude-colored american apparel one piece swimsuit and uncomfortable heels so I’m ready to run over to a designer’s rack in case clients need to see clothing on a model. I’m tired. I went to bed at 3 and woke up at 8. I don’t ever sleep. I’m sitting in a room with two other models who are also on their laptops drinking tea. One girl flew here from Paris a few days ago, her boobs are giant for a model. I’m surrounded by French speaking people and so far the only word I understand is “bleu.”

The designer I’m assigned to is a French label that is almost entirely printed silk dresses. I want to own every single one of them. I feel like a hot piece of ass in those things. The retail price for most of them is over $2000, so I can say goodbye to that dream until I become famous or marry a rich man. I’ve also discovered the most annoying thing humanly possible: watching an old person operate a digital camera. Some of the ladies who own boutiques in NYC where they’re slanging these expensive dresses are old as shit. I have to stand in front of them waiting for them to figure out which button to press on the camera, squinting at the screen and asking me to come closer to them so they can get a close-up of the pattern. Now this might not seem that annoying until you have to look at them over 100 times and they STILL can’t figure it out. I want to strangle them and yell something about how the Holocaust was a hoax, tear off my dress, and never return. Man, I would love to do that.

Yesterday a buyer came in to see the collection. I could tell when she liked a dress because she would exclaim “I LOVE HER!” Yuck. I feel like that phrase is replacing “SO CUTE” from last market. Which replaced “I DIE” from that Rachel Zoe woman thing. Either way they’re all obnoxious and make me want to puke on everyone. This is only day one of an entire week, I’m already losing my mind, but the catered lunch isn’t bad so I guess I’ll stick around. It sure beats going to castings in the rain sitting in hallways with 17 year olds comparing thigh sizes to them. I’m too old for this shit. I’m sick of not eating pizza because I have a job the next day and my stomach might not be flat enough to fit into a size 0 pencil skirt. I want to drink a diet coke and not be lectured by another model how I should be drinking a kale shake because processed foods cause cancer. I get it, you bring your own vegetable juice to jobs, you’re better than me.

Don’t worry, this isn’t my suicide letter.


20 thoughts on ““I love her!””

  1. You are hilarious. I have a boring “computer” job and work from home so your stories sound fabulous to me! Thanks for the laugh.

  2. You’re pretty much me except I have an office job and I allow myself to eat pizza even though every time I do I swear it’s the last time, for at least a week or something. I used to have a coworker who claimed to be a vegan and lecture everyone about it but then she would steal all the non-vegan office cookies to eat alone in her office.

  3. Just brilliant. Ya should publish your blog; it’s a funny read. Or apply for a column with VICE.com!

    You’re the most down to earth model with a just don’t give a fuck nonchalant quality, it’s brilliant.

  4. You should really get out of modeling and do something more mentally stimulating. Those people are making a career out of the way they look. Something they were just born with. It’s really the worst way to make a living because it reinforces a sense of superiority over other people over something that is completely trivial. People are attractive because they just happen to be born with good looking genetics and are surrounded by people who praise and love them for no definable reason other than how they visually appear. They spend a large amount of time perfecting useless skills that have absolutely no application in any other circumstance in life. The consequences of that kind of life must be staggering and I think you can see that in the people that you work with. It’s like they atrophied their brain. Bleh.

    I’m not even going to go into the implications of trying to stay on top and compete in such a world. Backstabbers, sociopaths, women with histrionics personality disorder, people trying to hold onto or compete for a job that is based solely on looks while Time plows forward with utter indifference and while the next generation nips at their heels. Get the fuck out, who needs that kind of stress in their life??

    1. Zach this is a perfect statement. Take also into consideration that eventually there is no place for you, as a young model, and suddenly you’re forced into a world where you need to rely on some sort of skill that you may or may not have to put food on the table. Or marry a rich guy who has a thing for models and keeps you around until he finds the next one.

  5. That must be the worst feeling – being in beautiful dresses and knowing you will probably never even have a chance at owning them…on the plus side, you will be the sexy bitch modelling them!

    I’m not a model, but I’ve never been one to watch what I eat too much – exercise is the key to all moderation 🙂

  6. The fashion industry is full of moronic fuckwits. I know, I was in it for years.
    Thankfully I now look after the interests of intelligent, kind, friendly, loving types……….Dogs.
    Keep wording it babe. X

  7. haha you are SO FUNNY Melissa. I absolutely love your writing and the insight you provide into the fashion world. I sit on my ass all day at a desk job and you always make me laugh – such a nice break in my monotonous day! And don’t fret, women in the banking industry are every bit as obsessed with being the skinniest one – they just aren’t quite so open about it (although I was criticized the other day for putting croutons on my salad. OH THE HORROR!!!!!). xoxo

  8. You’re going the right direction…making use of your looks to get a decent wage and some fame while exercising your creative fingertips with a blog with a growing audience. I assume it’s only a matter of time before you get fed up with modeling and become a writer full time. Good luck. 🙂

  9. Melissa I think your great. I love your blog. There is not a thing wrong with you, everyone else is crazy. Just remember that and you will be fine:)

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