You’re pretty, so everything must be easy for you.

If being pretty solves all your problems, then I must be living in some sort of fucked up world that Rod Serling couldn’t even write. Maybe one episode of the Twilight Zone where that crazy broad Janet gets plastic surgery to improve her looks but it does nothing and everyone looks like monsters or something, I don’t actually remember, it doesn’t fucking matter. Apparently being pretty is the reason I just cried my eyes out brushing my teeth so my best friend couldn’t hear me in the other room because I’m so worried about my personal life. It’s the reason I’ve had a knot in my stomach since Monday wondering if I’m going to have a job next week and what city I’m going to be living in and if I’m going to have enough money to fly back from LA to NYC. It’s why I have a slew of text messages from guys- comedians, musicians, guys twice my age, some younger, some crazy stalkers, some men who’s hearts I’ve broken, and some who have broken my heart- in my iPhone asking to hang out, not knowing if they just want to have sex with me because I’m a model or actually get to know me. It’s why I hang out with these men only to be disappointed that none of them get my Seinfeld jokes or understand who I’m talking about when I quote Pedro from The Real World, or talk about Bill Bellamy or say “YOOOOOOU ARE A BLABBERMOUTH!” (Ralph Cramden, anyone?)

I’m misunderstood, and I’m not looking for sympathy because I’m a fucking strong person like Beyonce and can handle shit, but I feel like I get judged too soon because I have blue eyes and I’m genetically tall. I’m an anomaly in the modeling world, I know this, because I’m 28, I’m considered old as shit. I lie about my age to book jobs, I have conversations with 17 year old models about Miley Cyrus (who the fuck is that anyway?) but I’m honest and I genuinely love people. I don’t do cocaine every weekend, I’m not bulimic, I’m not a stuck up diva, I can’t stand wearing heels, and I don’t think I’m better than anyone else. In fact, I hate myself probably more than you know. I’ve been on over 10 different anti-depressants and look to men for comfort and support. I’ve never not been in some sort of relationship where I needed a guy to tell me he loved me to feel good about myself. It’s sickening to me.

I spend my life being judged physically by casting directors and fashion designers. There is never an hour that goes by where I’m not worried about my skin breaking out or how many calories are in this tuna sandwich I just ate. I hate my thighs, small boobs and the left side of my face underneath my eye where I can see a feint wrinkle forming. I’ve googled botox and face lifts because I’m insecure about aging. I don’t want to be a model anymore, but it’s the only source of income I’ve relied on for the past few years and now I’m stuck here. I like being the prettiest girl at the photoshoot, I like the attention, but it is the most unfulfilling job for someone like me. I’ve never wanted to be reliant on my looks to get me through life. I was an ugly girl from Kalamazoo, I had zits on top of zits and poor posture because I hated being tall. I wore giant flannel shirts and baggy wide-leg jeans which are the most unflattering pants created. I never thought of myself as pretty, I wasn’t. I never had a boyfriend in high school, I was too scared to smile because my teeth were fucked up and my parents couldn’t afford braces until I was 16. I never said a word to anyone because every time my mouth would open a string of embarrassingly sarcastic unfunny jokes would come spewing out. I was “that” weird girl, and up until recently I never embraced it because I hated myself.

Now I’m in magazines, giant ads in Target, TV shows like 30 Rock, and I have the perfect life according to most everyone. I can get “any guy I want” and clothes look great on me. The problem with that is I’m attracted to older neurotic men, for some reason I still haven’t figured out. My parents are happily married and my neighbors never tried to molest me (at least not that I remember). My issue is that I’m jealous of “successful” women with “real” jobs. I don’t know exactly what that means but I have somewhat an idea. I want to be respected for my talents and personality, not what I look like. There’s so much more to me than my photogenic face and it frustrates me that I don’t know how to properly manifest it.

The only way I know how to cope with my frustrations is to distract myself with boys. I had a guy pick me up on his motorcycle a few days ago to eat cupcakes. It was an amazing two hours but now I’m back here wondering when the next guy is going to come along and be my prince charming that I don’t even fucking need. It’s a cycle that I don’t know how to break and it makes me resent modeling. Why didn’t I just stay in college and have a normal job like everyone one else? Why do I need to prove myself to people I don’t even care about that I’m pretty and I can be in magazines. What kind of sick self-loathing narcissistic woman am I? I don’t know. I really have no fucking clue.

Stetten out.

126 thoughts on “You’re pretty, so everything must be easy for you.”

  1. Here’s the thing though. You won the life lottery in more than one way. You’re also really really funny and can write well. I don’t know if you realize just how rare and valuable those things are in this world.

    I’m not trying to tell you how to live your life. And I’m definitely not saying that you don’t deserve to feel upset or to be sad. Everyone has their metaphorical cross to bear. And everyone deserves to be respected and listened to when talking about their fears, worries, and insecurities.

    I just want you to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You are more than just a pretty face. You have talent beyond your genetics. And I think, if you keep writing and you keep making people laugh, it’s only a matter of time before you get the opportunity to do more than have your picture taken.

    Good luck. I’m looking forward to seeing what the future holds for you. I’m sure it’s going to be awesome πŸ™‚

    Cheers,

    Miguel Rodriguez

  2. This is such an honest, heart-felt, and brave write-up. Thanks for sharing with us and hope it makes you feel better to get it out. I can assure you there are people like me who don’t judge too quickly like the rest of the society. I also get judged probably in other aspects, so I can relate somewhat. Perhaps you should think ahead and see what other skills you can develop beyond modeling and slowly make the transition into a new area of expertise. Not easy, but you can do it! Cheers

  3. I can tell as much from your twitter feed that you aren’t the public idea of a model. I think it’s hard for normal society to see you as ‘having feelings’ as models to this culture are the highest standard of beauty. So you are at once worshiped and reviled. It’s a catch-22. But when it comes down to it, we are all just people trying to figure out why it is we were put on this planet in the first place

  4. I love reading your honesty. Don’t worry, you’re strong and things will work themselves out. You have a great outlook and a sense of humor to go with it. If you decide to live in California, one of the great things is college is really cheap for residents. You could continue to model while getting a degree for a “real” job. And, BTW, your obscure references aren’t lost on all of us, I get most of them. I’m John, and I’m outta heeeeere.

  5. I mean, take what I have to say with a certain pinch of blog comment salt, but I believe that if you’re unhappy with your life or yourself, you can change. It requires critical self-reflection (which you seem to be fairly well versed in), discipline and determination. Where will you be at 37? 47? If you really desire to become a professional, to be taken seriously, think creatively about how you might achieve that, and in what field. As someone who has been reading your blog for a while now, its obvious you’re a very gifted writer. The obvious starting point in this change would be to ask yourself why you started this blog, and what it is you want to achieve with this platform. I’ve got more pearls, but this is really a long enough comment as it is.

  6. What’s holding you back from getting a “real” job? Or taking online classes to learn skills that will help you later? I’m a web developer and part time model. I realize it’s not the same thing (honestly not sure how you do it full time – sucks mad monkey balls), but there ARE ways you can fix your life if you’re willing to put in the work.

  7. i can sympathize with you regarding your situation. my advice would be to take a long vacation somewhere and figure out what kind of work would make you happy. when you challenge yourself with your work, to the point where it even scares you sometimes, the sense of accomplishment that comes along with it is greatly rewarding and can really help with your self esteem. anyway, best of luck and thanks for all the laughs! i really enjoy your tweets.

  8. I think you’ve got a terrific brain and it’s never to late to go to school. I’m 38 and have just gone back to university to finally build a “real” career. My mom did the same thing in her 40’s and became a nurse.

    I know how you feel though because I was once a “rock star” (well not really, but I was a touring and performing musician) and I tied up my whole identity in that for a long time. It turns out though, that I still exist without my rock stardom, and everyone who loves me never gave a shit about it in the first place.

    Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s better to be at the bottom of a ladder you want to climb than halfway up one you don’t want to be on at all?” I continue to remind myself of that, and it’s working.

  9. Interesting read. I doubt (see: hope) you are looking for a response saying “you can do anything” “you’re so beautiful” “blah blah blah” As a guy in what is considered by some, the “lowest form of entertainment”, radio, I spent most of my twenties making bad decisions and moving across the country to a radio station that hadn’t heard of my bad decisions yet. Only to find the old saying, “where ever you go, there you are” to be so very true.

    I hope you get your head into a good place. And hopefully, you can use your great contacts you’ve acquired in this business to springboard to the next great opportunity.

  10. Or, alternatively, people think that physical attention and compliments are somehow a suitable substitute for meaningful relationships. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than men on the street calling me beautiful or baby or sweetheart, but it’s impossible to speak out without seeming vain. And when you like sex, it’s even worse. The line between sexual openness and being treated like a mindless sex object gets blurred an awful lot.

  11. Hey,
    Im not sure if you read the comments section on your thing here, but here it goes:

    Yeah, modeling can be tough, specially for neurotic, insecure and depressive girls like you (i know i dont know anything about you, i just enjoy reading what you write from time to time…the internet huh?). Even tougher when you are in the age in which most models start ending their careers. But it is still better paid and easier than pretty most every other job out there.

    My piece of advice is……ddddddrrrrrrrrrrrrrumroll: Just chill, you are still on top of your game, start thinking about what you would like to do for the rest of your life aside from modeling, Im pretty sure you are into comedic writing and have lots of connections in that world. Take a smart advantage of all those old dudes that are nice to you because they want to fuck you but still think you are “interesting” and “funnier than any girl ive met”. Also start saving some money to make the transition process easier (from “just modeling” to “whatever tickles you fancy and sometimes modeling”).

    πŸ™‚

  12. Motherfucking Beyonce. My two cents? You should try to turn this ~writing thing into a career. Ever since the Brian Presley incident, I think you’ve gotten some attention for being witty and clever. Not for being photogenic. You have a really good voice, and people like finding out that models are – gasp – real people with brains and everything. Get money get paid.

  13. I am not a blog commenter, or really blog reader, I started following your twitter recently b/c you are unbelievably fucking hilarious. Anyways, not to go into too much revealing detail, but I was stuck at 28 in a place I didn’t want to be workwise, lifewise. I asked myself a lot of the same questions and kinda had to wait until things really went balls up to find my answers. I ended up finishing college at 32 just graduated from law school (at 37), if everything goes well, I hope to find an emotionally taxing and underpaid job working with domestic violence survivors or ex-cons. It turns out that is what makes me happy. You just reminded me of that feeling that I wouldn’t have been able to express anywhere nearly as eruditely at 28, or even today, and I guess I wanted to get all Dan Savage and let you know that its hardly too late to find the right thing.

    You are a keen observer, a super strong writer, and (its worth repeating) fucking HILARIOUS, it will come together.

  14. All of us model chicks with a brain are insane. You are not alone. Hey, it could be worse. You could be a model chick that got naked in mags to prevent your self-worth and make as much money as possible (like me) or be a chick proving your self worth like some f-ing on film…. No one will be calling you “slut” for doing a Target ad.

    Look on the bright side. Modeling is the one industry we OUT EARN men in — you can take or leave it anytime. You can always get an education. There are no shortage of men. Trust me on that one. Prince Charmings are few and fucking far between. Maybe you will find a permanent cupcake scenario but you cannot rely on anyone else. You have yourself — be thankful for what you have. GET OUT OF THE FUCKING BELLJAR. Cuz the Belljar sucks ass. Prozac and Paxil just create an unreality. Sometimes we need that to get through a day, but it’s no cure-all.

    Be thankful you have options πŸ™‚ What’s the better alternative? Sitting in Kalmazoo never getting braces, not being thin, not having work opportunities, fucking the Brians of the world? Or having every opportunity you do? πŸ˜‰

    All of us model chicks are nuts. Women go crazy at 30, it just happens. Be ready. That is all.

  15. I posted a bunch of this shit in Twitter, but maybe you’re more likely to see it here.

    In high school, one of my best friends in the world once burst into my room in tears. “I wish I wasn’t so beautiful,” she wept. “I hate it. I just want a guy to treat me like I have a brain.” At first I thought, “Oh, wah, poor you.” But then I really thought about it — and that really goddamn sucks.

    I’m your age, and I have a little sister who just turned 24. She has been beautiful her whole life — she grew into a willowy, 5’10” blonde with perfect straight white teeth (she still wears her retainer, years and years after braces) and legs that go on for miles. She has our family’s blue-grey eyes. Long neck. Great laugh.

    She also graduated with a psych degree and found a fantastic job as a therapeutic Kindergarten teacher, working with kids who have social/emotional instabilities that make it hard for them to get along with others their age. She reads tons of non-fiction and is a more facile writer than she will give herself credit for. She does goofy dances in public. She named her cats “Thor” and “Loki.” In short, she is also smart as hell and delightfully weird.

    But she gets hit on by the weirdest, skeeziest, grabbiest douchebags. All they see is the height and the hair. Not only do they not care about what she’s reading — they probably don’t even think she CAN read. It makes it really hard for her to find a guy who isn’t narcissistic, inconsiderate, or just plain stupid. She has resorted to dying her hair brown (which never takes), avoiding high heels, and being very selective about which social gatherings she attends — but the creepy guy always finds her.

    She hates it. I hate it for her. (And I hate it for ME and my 5’7″, flat-chested, chunky-thighed ass when I accompany her anywhere and can’t get anything with a penis to even LOOK at me.) But short of putting her face in a wood chipper, there’s not really anything she can do about it. And neither can you.

    But you CAN remind yourself that you deserve some fucking self-respect. Own your weirdness. Be proud of your mind. When some jackass with a roll of quarters in his pocket tries to get your number, ask him what book he’s reading and watch him backpedal right the fuck out the door. You don’t need the approval of people who value you based on your looks alone. That’s how we get stupid blondes in the first place: women convince themselves that if they’re pretty, they don’t HAVE to be smart. Bullshit. Why NOT be both? How fucking sexy would the world be if we just had a bunch of rocket scientist supermodels running around?

    As an Average-Looking Normie, I’m jealous of your beauty and success — but I do really feel sorry that you’ve come to accept that it’s your only measure of worth. Reject. That. Shit. Don’t keep anyone near you who doesn’t think your brain is as awesome as your rack (preferably your brain will be MORE awesome than your rack). And if you’re legitimately tired of being treated like a Barbie doll, get back to school and go make something of yourself. Then you will be unstoppable.

  16. You’ll find that a lot if people won’t get your humor if your not ingratiating your audience. A 17yo isn’t going to get ”what you talkin bout, Willis?” or ”da foo’s crazy, Hannibal!”. And nobody us going to get a bleeping Ralph Camden ref! Zomg. I get most of your shit because I watched way to much tv growing up, and sat through Twilight Zone marathons every thanksgiving. But anyway, yeah… Sometimes it feels like you’re taking crazy pulls.

  17. Wow……….this is a joke post, right?
    These complaints, just wow.

    I’ll just go ahead and say it, I am embarrassed for you.

  18. Bahaha. Freudian type-o! “prevent” self worth supposed to be prove. Damn you auto-correct, psychologically abusing me…

  19. Stetten (Melissa)…nice honest piece. It seems to me that you need a holiday or a change of scenery at the least which could give you a new perspective or create a new opportunity for you.. Its not all about the States……come to Cape Town in your winter….there’s a big international modeling and film scene here…speak to your agency or contact Ice, Outlaws, Mulligans model agencies in Cape Town (look on the web) and they will be able to assist you. Good luck. R

  20. hey, i started following you a while back and totally want to let you know you’re not alone. as a girl, its normal i guess– i feel everyday like my insecurities are eating away at me on the inside. i slouch too (i’m 5’9″, not a model, but i also get the ‘your eyes are so pretty’ bullshit line quite often) and feel like im sick of jumping from inconsistent guy to inconsistent guy, too. i guess ppl that are hard on themselves just tend to have to put on the tough front so others can’t see them beating themselves up inside. when i realize im taking myself to seriously is usually when i grab some ben & jerrys and watch the colbert report to calm the F down. lol.

  21. I’ve not worked in fashion, but I did work in tourism and hospitality. As an industry it can similarly use up your early working years without an obvious way to develop a fulfilling career. It could be fun at times, it seemed to provide a good lifestyle, but it left me wanting, physically exhausted, and increasingly unhappy. It’s taken me a number of years, but I’ll be starting my new job as an economist next week.

    Don’t worry about what you are going to do and how you are going to do it, commit to the change you want in your life and go from there. It might mean taking no modelling work. It might mean ditching men. It might mean seeking out smart and cool women to see what it takes to make it in this world with your mind. The change you want to bring to your life won’t get easier the longer you wait.

  22. If you’re 28, you have about 35 years left of career before you’re at a typical retirement age for jobs. So, why don’t you just go back to school and do it? If modeling makes you so unhappy, then do something else. I went back for my master’s at 30, totally switched careers, and now am much happier than I was before. If I can do it at two years older, so can you.

  23. I completely understand where you’re coming from. I’ve never been model gorgeous, but mostly “cute”. Nevertheless, after losing nearly 50 lbs, and being blonde and busty, I’ve had people who have envied me. From *my* point of view? I’m a weird, sewing and knitting obsessed, siberian husky owning, literally a genetic mutant 32 year old complete failure. My only long-term relationship didn’t work out, and I’ve had no desire to “date”, whatever that means these days. I’m also a massage therapist, which I usually keep hidden from most guys at all costs. I fight HARD to gain respect for massage therapy, but still get the whole “nudge nudge wink wink” thing ALL THE TIME. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve pulled into a secluded parking lot somewhere to cry my eyes out about anything and everything, and sometimes nothing at all. I’ve been totally captivated by your blog entries, and I “get” you more than you could know. Thank you for writing, thank you for being awesome, and most of all, thank you for being you. You’re exactly the type of person I’d like to resent for being so gorgeous, if you weren’t so funny, and smart, and awesome!
    Sorry for the rant, keep on writing, you’re wonderful!

  24. I get it. I’m old & fat & was abused as a child (by my siblings, of all people) & am blissfully happy married to my second British husband (while maintaining a great relationship with the first one), so I’m the EXACT opposite of you. But I still get it.

    People will only see as much of you as they can see. Which should make it easier (“it’s their problem not mine”) but it doesn’t because you’re all too aware of how glassy their eyes are as they scan your body or your face. It’d be nice to have someone stop and see you as a person. Don’t hold your breath.

    Getting older helps, which is of course completely useless to you now. So the scrap of helpful advice I have is this: find some things you like to do to fill up the time until you’re old enough to have a happy life. Then, when you are happy, accept that you’ve earned that happiness even if you can’t see how.

    Hope that helps. πŸ™‚

  25. Hey, i started to follow you two days ago on twitter because your humor was smart, fresh and right on point. Your photos are great, you have strong artistic sense, you can do anything. I”m a creapy old guy of 45 and I have similar feeling about my job and career. Dating sucks, marriage is worse. A year from now your going to have more than you can ever imagine, thats how life works. This too shall pass. Peace… And keep writing!

  26. I know how the shit pile feels. The one thing I found in life is get the fuck off the anti depressants (your better off doing coke). They will drive you insane. Sure there is 3 weeks of hell while they leave your system but you will be better off in the long run.
    If I were able to, I would try modeling and school. Just remember the nerdy stuff like computer programming pays the most. If you like animals may be vetriary school. I wish you luck and look forward to your blog.
    Oh yeah, Go Melissa!

  27. Melissa, I am praying for you to meet a guy who will treat you good and not cheat on you and love only you. And I will pray for you every day until you do. Someone who is perfect for you. Hang in there sweetie, when the time is right, you will find him and it’s probably gonna happen after you’ve totally given up. That’s usually the way it is but you never know so keep looking if you want & you’re having fun. Take care! From one of your twitter followers.

  28. I’m torn about this post. On one hand, let’s be real, it’s always a bit disconcerting when someone complains about being too pretty. That’s just honesty right there. It’s like someone being “too rich” or “too thin” or all those other things that people, probably myself included, don’t really think one can have too much of. That said, you are intelligent, self-aware and funny and you seem to be having more of an identity-crisis as opposed to a dull rant about being beautiful means everyone is jealous and god it’s hard!!!

    You are clearly smart enough to do something more with your life than modeling. So do it. Yes that is too simple a way to put it, but you are clearly not happy. Do something more. You can. Take a writing course. Start a book. Whatever it is, even if it’s on the side, it sounds like you are bored out of your mind and that is telling you something about your life. Namely, that whatever is happening now isn’t working.

    That said, your honesty is refreshing. Your humor is enjoyable. And I read your blog not because I think you are pretty but because you are funny, honest, interesting, self-aware and a good writer. Think about that.

  29. Honestly, I started following your tweets cause you are funny as fuck. Yeah, you’re hot too, but to me that is secondary. Keep writing and you’ll get noticed and something good will break your way. I think you’re awesome. Finger’s crossed for good things for you.

  30. I get your Seinfeld references. You’re a gorgeous woman but I think your personality is what would make me interested in a chick like you. But having said that all I know about you is what you tweet and write on the blog.

    You’re a fucking funny chick Stetten, fuck those fucking fucktards.

  31. In my opinion, you seem like a very intelligent, interesting broken woman that hasn’t even scratched the surface of her true potential. Every person who’s actually worth a damn in my life is a little broken. Maybe you should think about going to school and finding a “normal” job, one that won’t tear you down the longer you stay. Try surrounding yourself with people that care about you for you, not your face. If you can’t find any in NY, move and start your life over somewhere else. Just my two cents, take it or leave it. It’s your life, make it what you want.

  32. you want to be deep,tortured and DIFFERENT so bad. It’s not working, your game is easy to read. You have the mind of a 14 yo. Guys don’t get your jokes? really? how fucking sad is that.

  33. I ain’t gonna say nice things to make you feel better. If you’re unhappy, then DO something about it. One improvement a day adds up. Be the better you.

  34. I think you are great, Melissa, no matter how you look. I hear your frustration and despair; I get it. The public doesn’t think that beautiful people or rich people have problems or get frustrated or depressed or in a rut, but people are people, it happens to all of us.

    You have a lot of brains and a lot of personality behind your pretty face. You are self-aware enough to know the traps of being judged for your looks, but it’s hard to get out of one’s own patterns. Counseling always helps — for all of us, any of us. Not prescription drugs, so always look for someone who is not going to use that route of therapy.

    I don’t know the root of your self-described issues with men, but one rule of thumb that can help along with the counseling is to not sleep with any given guy until you have been dating for two to three months. That’s a reliable rule of thumb that I’ve heard from all of the wisest experts in the field. (I also think it’s especially apropos for someone in the modeling field, but really, it’s a lifesaver and soulsaver for all women.)

    You don’t need a guy to make you happy or to validate you. You know that intellectually but you haven’t absorbed that emotionally or healed whatever ‘void’ you feel, which is why counseling can help.

    You are obviously very smart and have a great ability to write (and are very funny). As one article wrote when the recent story broke, you would be absolutely great writing for television or film. Is there a way you can orient yourself towards that? Things like either start writing a pilot or a screenplay or a book, or approach people in the business, or get that wonderful book, The Artist’s Way? I wish you the very best of success using your innate and abundant talents.

    Anyway, I have no idea whether you wanted feedback on this post, so if not, please forgive this reply. I wish you the very best and that you be fulfilled and happy. You are at a transitional age when most people question their direction in life and often change their career (28-30). I feel that within the next year or two you will get a handle on where you want your life to be heading. All the best to you.

  35. No, you’re not a sick self-loathing narcissistic woman. We are all just fucked up. All of us, every single one of us. Some of us learn to deal better than others. Some can hide it better than others. It takes a few years for some of us to reach a place of ‘happiness’ and sometimes people just let their ‘fucked up-ness’ eat them alive.

    I feel, as a society, we are just never satisfied. I can completely empathize with you because even though I do not have the same profession and know nothing about you, I have felt/feel those things. I think most of us do.

    My entire life people have told me I was pretty, that I had nothing to worry about because i was pretty and smart. I did go to college, I have a ‘real job’ and I am in a loving, committed relationship with someone who tells me I’m beautiful every single day of my life and I come from a supportive, caring family. But then why do I still want to lose 10 lbs? (I’m 110 lbs) Why do I sit and cry in front of my mirror because I fucking hate how much cellulite I have? Why do I envy girls who can eat an entire meal at McDonalds and NOT look 5 months pregnant afterwards? Why have I examined myself so much that I now think my entire face is crooked? Seriously, my entire face leans to the left and my nose is incredibly crooked. I will google ‘people with crooked noses/faces’ to see if I look that bad — how sick is that? I’m not even in a profession that values looks…so why do I care this much?!?!

    I kind of like my job, but hate the fact that I’m sitting for 8 fucking hours every single day. I hate that it’s a 9 to 5 job because I’m not a 9 to 5 kind of person. The thought of becoming a ‘successful’ woman in my field makes me cringe because I just think about how I’d probably need to sit in a chair for 14 fucking hours a day if I ever wanted to make it there. By the time I got ‘there’ I’d be fat because I’d be sitting ALL DAMN DAY and I’d be too lazy to do anything after work. And it makes me furious that that’s what I think about when I think about my job. I don’t care if I’m respected for my intelligence and ideas, I’d just rather not be fat. How fucked up is that?

    I should (emphasis on should) be completely happy because I have ‘everything’ but it doesn’t work that way. We all think the grass is greener on the other side. It isn’t. I think we can do certain things to maybe help us get to our ‘happy’ place, like a career change, ending a bad relationship, entering a great one, but we will still feel shitty feelings for the rest of our lives. We just need to learn how to deal with them. When I know I’m being absolutely insane, I will literally talk to myself and weigh the pros and cons of my life. I have my health, I have both arms, both legs, I have a house to live in, food to eat, people who love me, a pretty good brain, a good heart, and a decent personality. I may never be happy and secure with every aspect of my life, but I know that I’m smart and strong enough to get through whatever it is I’m going through. And you are too.

    Thanks for writing this because it really helps people realize that everyone has their own issues. What looks like a ‘perfect life’ to someone is not always perfect to the person living it.

  36. Hi Melissa, I love your blog.
    I can relate to your frustration feelings as well as other feelings, even though our life has nothing in common. I think you could be having some sort of quarter-life crisis perhaps…well, I know I am and it sucks.
    just out of curiosity, here are the four phases of a quarter-life crisis as described by a guardian article, maybe you can relate:
    <>

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2011/may/05/quarterlife-crisis-young-insecure-depressed

  37. You can write. You can capture beautiful pictures. You are strong and smart and you are aware of that. I am sure you can find another job if you truly try to do it. Just please start loving yourself!

  38. I used to feel that way too. I was the ugly ass chubby nerd girl in elementary and middle school, then suddenly started looking good in High School. I have days when I’m depressed as hell and days when I’m happy. I mean I’m not as old as you and not a model but sometimes I feel like people only see me for my looks too. I love reading your blogs cuz I can actually relate. I guess personally what saved me is my faith, because I wanna believe that there’s someone who loves me for me and doesn’t give a damn about how I look, and I believe God loves me for my insides. I’m not trying to push my religion, I respect them all, I’m just sharing what it was that saves me from the cycle of my shallow life.

    Also really admire your confidence.

  39. Dear Melissa. You’ve got some huge balls, for sure. I am impressed that you tore open your gut for all to see, and will forever live in the ether. Honestly, I could never do that. Full disclosure, I only know about you because because a certain #”writer” did a full-on “plug and play” inserting you into a world that until only one day prior to your arrival in LA in late May, he had created for someone else, someone that I care very deeply for. Including the fabulous trip to Big Sur. no shit. To say it was devastating to that person is a tremendous understatement. We all were floored to see what old guy writer would do next. It was fabulous to see the extent of his ass-holiness.

    That however is not the purpose of my response. As a mom, an aunt, and a mediocre looking short woman, I was touched by your blog.

    So here it comes…my advice, unwanted perhaps, but certainly not unsolicited as you must realize.

    1. You are pretty. You are not a STAR, unless you count your recent 15 minutes. You will always simply be a “rack” because as you know well, there is always someone prettier, skinnier, different- (er), (fill in all of the, you’re just not…. that you’ve ever heard or said to yourself as you once again, thrash yourself).
    2. Regarding your 15 minutes, don’t be stupid, packed in between all of the “noise” we’re no doubt, some pearls. Seek them out. Then take some time out for some serious introspection.
    3. You write very well. Lots of people have commented on that. That’s a gift. One that will ONLY get better with age and cultivation. Your looks were a gift too, but short of looking like some crazy bat at 30, they’ll fade. At least they won’t make you any kind of decent money. My best friend in high school was the town beauty, today she looks 25 years older than me.
    4. Instead of trying to fit yourself into some cheesy “old guy’s” fantasy, create your own story. Identify the people that inspire you, and make it a point to spend time with them. Feed your own soul instead of letting others feed on yours.
    5. If you hate modeling, quit. TODAY.
    6. Someone wrote in the comments that college was relatively inexpensive in California. That’s sorta true. Plus, there are loans, grants, parents, your notoriety that you could leverage to crowd source funds, parents(!). Trust me, regardless of the expense now, college is ALWAYS cheaper today than it will be tomorrow, for many reasons. Just do it.
    7. People, with far less have accomplished much more.
    8. Stop acting like a spoiled 15 year old Lolita wanna be, and hiding behind your beauty. It’s lame, and you aren’t stupid. Quit acting stupid.
    9. And quit complaining and DO SOMETHING. Now, is the the time.
    Written to you with love by Nancy. And that is my real name and this is about as open as I’ll ever be in this kind of forum, because I care. Now it’s time for you to care about yourself.

  40. Oddly you are not alone. No one in LA or “The industry” feels like their jobs or real. No matter how successful none of us have a retirement fund so we all wonder what it would be like to have a “real” career.

  41. Booring. Women your age don’t make what you make when they have normal jobs. They don’t fly to LA on weekdays or take cruises for funsies. Take some molly, bang a dude in his 30s and get over the fact that you asked for that old guy, you knew what would happen and you did it anyway. I only read the whole thing because I thought it was going to be unique. Its not.

  42. Well – hi. I follow you on twitter but I’m no one you’ll know. I had no idea who I was following, I just hit follow after the Brian incident, made me laugh and made me sad as I’m sure it did many. You know what? I’m the guy who has dated (perpetually fucking dated!) *that* girl – she’s beautiful, she knows it, but it doesn’t make her happy, it actually cripples her inside — the feeling of potentially being a ‘yes’ keeps all of those ‘no’s at bay.. Being validated in the room, for the cover, the editorial spread, the billboard, the box, whatever — I have done this unknowingly, I assure you — at no time have I ever in my life sought out a particular kind of woman to date, but as I look back on the tragedies, trainwrecks and torments of relationships past, there is a pattern of woman who I always believed was attracted to me, until recently when I decided to look at myself rather than at them — What is it about me that is calling this kind of woman into my life? Perhaps it was a similar childhood to yours — I hated myself (didn’t we all?) — in my mind I’m George fkn Costanza (though far from fat or balding), it’s just how useless I feel inside and yet — every girl I date — hot as shit. How? Who knows – do I do it *because* they’re hot and because *I* am seeking the validation now? Perhaps. You see, my parents are still together, they are collectively the best couple in the world – I love them to eternity – and I’m not handsome, not even fuckingwell close — I look in the mirror and wonder how any woman would want to awaken beside that! I think I take what I can get and hope to god she loves herself more than I can ever love her — I think that’s the crack I always fall into — do you love yourself more than I ever could? But aren’t we close to the same but from entirely opposite sides? It hurts me to read your words, to hear your pain and something in me wants to help, because I’m *that* guy — the yin to your yan perhaps — the one who wants to save you — I will try to draw you in, because I am attracted to what you crave, I want to be that for you — it’s weird. Why am I writing this?! Not to attract you – I think I’d really just like to share that there are two sides to this dynamic and perhaps I’m here to represent the other side — regardless, you should read this great piece called, “We are all bozos on this bus” by some whckjob called Wavy Gravy (!) — but seriously, google that shit and read it — it will make you smile — it does for me every time.

    Seriously, Melissa — it’s ok — you are not your job and those schmucks in the room who say yes or no, trust me, I’m on that side of the line in the business and I know exactly what makes one girl/guy book over another — absolutely NO reason besides client usually — “I like her” — and there it is. It has zero to do with who you are — absolutely NOTHING.

    From all I have now read here on this blog and in some archived posts, I think you’re terrific! A witty woman with smarts and a truly authentic interest in being the best version of herself she can be — you’re *doing the work* and I am proud of you, stranger!

    Reach out anytime.
    Be well,
    D.

  43. Unsolicited advice, but that’s what happens on the internet. You post stuff and strangers show up to tell you what to do.

    Hi, I’m a stranger and here’s what I say you should do: You have to leave yourself out of the equation for a while, go somewhere or do something that is outside and separate from Melissa. Sounds like mystical bullshit and so it is for some people—they make up gods for God’s sake–to fill in the blanks that fear and depression causes or rises from or. . . . Anyway.

    You leave yourself out of the picture. Maybe you can do it with writing, maybe with art, maybe with religion, maybe with swimming, maybe with working with people or animals in far worse positions than your own. That’s good because you help people, form a connection and get some perspective.

    Whatever. You get away from you. This is the only method I’ve discovered in my fifty plus years of life to get over depression. Get away from the thing causing the pain, which is you.

    I guess that’s what drinking, drugs and partying are supposed to accomplish–losing yourself in a crowd. So the other part of the unsolicited advice I’m making up as I go along is that it can’t leave you a wreck in the morning. Also hey, that partying stuff Is about YOU having fun, which is, once again, pushing for answers about YOU. The answer is going to come from you doing something that isn’t you at all, thinking and acting for something apart from you.

    Maybe it’s because we’re social animals and we like to be part of a greater picture? Maybe it’s just keeping busy with distractions until the despair passes?

    A model must be at a disadvantage because you can’t really leave you behind and make a living. Ugh. If you forget yourself then you don’t get work.

    Hey, another thing I’ve discovered. The whole “pretending to be happy until you are” often works. That method feels like false bullshit because it is, so that false feeling is reasonable and makes perfect sense. The thing to do is Ignore the fake feeling, and slog through the pretending anyway. It’s like any form of exercise, the more you need it, the worse it feels–at first.

    It’ll get easier. And then you’ll forget you’re supposed to be doing it. (Except late at night when you’re alone or in a crowd and lonely or when someone dies.)

    Hugs to you. I’ve never been gorgeous but I was young and I am female, and even rather ordinary women can grow addicted to that flattering attention of a clever interesting someone who wants to get in your pants, that really fine feeling that HE will help you. The thing is letting men (or anyone else) define you or your worth is a bad, bad idea–especially as you get older and turn invisible to most people. Then you will, by definition, be worthless.

    Although maybe that invisibility will be a relief for you? Here’s what it’s good for: eavesdropping on buses and in restaurants. Seriously. Fun. Letting go of other people’s expectations is like peace after a storm.

    Anyway. Take care. (I love your writing.Last bit of advice: that’s what you should do. But for Pete’s sake, don’t write about you.)

  44. The bullshit part of things is that you’re trapped pursuing work that you don’t believe in or don’t believe is sustainable — this work of being beautiful, which you’re good at, but which you don’t value because you have never seen yourself that way — and you can’t figure out a way to make the work you’re passionate about and do believe in — your photography and writing — be profitable enough to sustain yourself. Also, because you grew up without, you can never have enough to feel secure. It’s a catch-fucking-22, where the 22 is a shell in the Russian roulette game you play with yourself every day.

    But you’ll figure it out. 28 is old in the model world. But read your Erik Erikson — 28 is the age where great people, people who make a big difference in the world, finally start to figure their shit out. You’re on that cusp right now. You have the chance to become completely yourself and do great shit.

    So every time you write something honest, even a tweet about being locked out of your apartment, or a blog post like this; every time you take a genuine photograph, one that reveals something you couldn’t say any other way, like all those unsettling and unforgettable self-portraits where you look dead; every time you do anything like that, you’re taking a step in the right direction.

    I don’t know whether you will end up needing to live in 2 cities on 2 coasts, or if you’ll end up in a cheap house in the UP. I don’t know whether you’ll keep falling for older guys or if you’ll ever decide there’s just one guy for you or if you’ll even need to. I don’t know if you’ll ever end up “happy,” whatever that means, or if you’ll just end up proud of your work and satisfied with how you spend your time every day.

    But I do know this: you’ve got the chance to be pretty fucking awesome. And if a zit-faced, sloop-shouldered, boyfriend-less poor girl from Kalamazoo can figure out how to be a model, then you’ve got better than even odds to figure out how to do something amazing with the invisible talents you have that you’ve spend so many years developing. And fuck anyone who wants to put you down or keep you down.

    You’ve done way harder things in life. You’ve got this one.

  45. If you want to quit, quit. If you’re not happy, find a way. Email me your resume, we’ll send it around. Someone will hire you, you have skills, you can break into a new field.

    So move on up to Ithaca NY, start a new life, make yourself happy.

  46. I feel the same way, and I completely act the exact same way with guys. I’m not a model, but an attractive female with a normal job. I’ve always been able to hang out with the boys because I don’t like bullshit/gossip and I love sports. Anyways, when I’m hurt I usually text a guy for some attention, but usually they are not someone I care that much about.
    I have been lucky though, a great guy did come around and persued me, and it lasted for a few years. Take things slow, stop looking, don’t feel badly about your job, and just do the things that make you happy. Loads of people have stresses in their jobs, about money and not being taken seriously. I think people should really work to live anyways, I would never want to be someone that’s so caught up in their work that it becomes their identity. Just work so that you can do the things you like to do. Good luck.

  47. I hear you… you’re human so give yourself a break! People do seem to think things are easier for pretty people, but it comes with a whole other world of self-consciousness, self-doubt, and suspicion.
    PS – having a real job is overrated, so don’t be too jealous. πŸ˜‰

  48. I love your honesty…you just dont come across a beautiful woman that is smart and funny and most men are intimidated by that…their loss not yours.

  49. “You’re pretty, so everything must be easy for you.”

    That’s just something ugly people say because it gives them something to blame for their own problems (i.e., “I’m ugly and that’s why my life sucks”) and it simultaneously gives them an excuse to not admit to themselves that their jealousy is shallow (i.e., “I’m not jealous of her because she’s pretty–I’d never be that shallow–nope, I’m jealous of her because her life is perfect”). Anybody that gives it a second thought would know that’s not true; we have a million examples of troubled “beautiful” and “successful” people in the media alone, not to mention the people we know personally.

  50. Hopefully you notice that for every tool shed that says something stupid there is a guy that would be lucky to have you. Dont let things around you keep you from being happy. Anyway good luck with things, hope you put out a silly video or two.

  51. I dont know you all that well…or at all really. I just started following you after the douchebag-on-a-plane incident,but I LOVE your voice and can really relate. I am….a little bit older than you and my life is still a mess. I have no clue what I’m doing day to day,flying by the seat of my pants and somehow managing to get shit done and get through life. I have moments where I hate myself and feel like I’ve wasted my life…like its too late for anything to happen. I have yet to find that one special person who gets me for me…and maybe I’ll NEVER find them. But I keep looking. I keep trying. When I can find something or someone that brings me even a little bit of happiness I try to hang onto it for as long as I can. Life sucks,but every once in a while….its really,really awesome. And even at its worst,its better than the alternative,which is rotting away in a hole in the ground somewhere. I dont know if any of this helps or not,but you’re not stumbling through all this bullshit alone. I do know having a sense of humor helps,and yours seems to be in fine working order. Throw in a little(lot) of booze now and again and everything will be just fine……

  52. Narcissism and self-loathing go hand-in-hand: depressed people tend to be the most self-absorbed. While most of us are quick to say self-awareness is a good thing, the hoary old cliche about ignorance-as-bliss is probably true.

    Anyway, conventionally attractive people DO have it easier. It’s not even invisible privilege. If it’s any consolation, the reason most men spend time with women is because we want to fuck them. All of them. You’re not special in that regard. Well, maybe you are different in that some men probably want to worship you. Creepy fucks.

    References to a 90s sitcom does not make you an interesting person. It’s frosting. Rather than worry about others constantly trying to use you (a valid concern), you should focus more on helping people. This does not mean “talking it out” with a friend experiencing boy trouble.

    Most women learn this by having a child. Maybe men too. More intelligent women are less likely to have children. Heh, I wouldn’t be surprised if model-types also end up having fewer babies — ironic because what makes them “beautiful” is the fecundity suggested by their shape, the good health suggested by facial symmetry and clear skin. The world’s an amoral place. Pretty people do have problems, but they also have less holding them back.

    “Take your life in your own hands and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame.” — Erica Jong

  53. It’s really awful how people invalidate your feelings about this by saying ‘other people have it worse jobs’ and ‘modelling isn’t a REAL proper job you have it pretty easy’. You know what? Fuck. That. Shit. Firstly random hypothetical asshole saying these things, your job isn’t as hard as somebody in working in a fucking sweatshop in Asia for less than minimum wage. And secondly, modelling, like any other job, has challenges. Shouldn’t be a surprise but there you go, people of the world. It would SUCK to have to maintain your weight and body to some sort of seventeen year old girl body ideal, it would kill your self esteem trying to measure up and you would be constantly treated as an object. Surely the rates of anorexia/bulimia in the modelling would attest to this? No? Modelling is just some easy job where you stand still and look pretty? Right…

  54. What happened with bike dude maybe stay in touch with him if u had such a good time. All I can say is this life isn’t easy. Everyone thinks the other side is great but everyone’s got problems… If your un happy with being a model go back to school, its never to late.. If it just some thing at the moment then stick thru it. I think your a smart person if not I wouldn’t follow your blog just do what your heart wants and do what you think is best.. you might want to also build a support group to help you with this stuff. Somebody you can talk to and trust. You will find some one so don’t worry about that.. Your going thru a hard time. For living part of NYC and la make pro and con list.
    Hope this helps.
    Don’t give up!!!
    <('.'’.”.’)>

  55. Fuck it. Sell allllllllllll yo shit. Move to where you happiest. Do what makes you happy. Not give a shit bout what you look like. Get to a place where your happy by yourself, find a guy who can be happy with you………..or buy a shit ton of cats. Why? Cause ya Melissa mothafuckin Stetten.Chick whos funny as shit, damn smart as shit, and a whole lot of otha stuff as shit.
    Word.

  56. I think many people who don’t have ~real jobs~ have that underlying thing saying, “Yo, what if you had like, stability, you know” and it’s probably one of the worst things in the world, besides LIfetime movies. I’ve been in and out of trying to be an actress and am no stranger to the constant consciousness of what if I get a zit, get a bad hair cut, can’t make it to an audition, etc. That stress, as well as trying to always be professional and accommodating with no complaints, while 70% of the time being treated like shit and working with people who are the opposite of professional, is what keeps me from committing to it fully because I don’t know if I can live like that without daily anxiety attacks. Basically I feel you, and it sucks that you’re feeling down (even with Beyonce strength). I actually started writing this comment because I wanted to talk about how you’re a fucking good writer. Your stories about modeling and, um, just generally being a human are really engaging.
    So if you decide to get outta modeling any time soon, you can just sell this blog to google or something, cause they like buying things.

  57. Hmm… I had some really encouraging words but it looks like John D. and gooseontherocks pretty much beat me to it. There’s goes any chance of being awesome. Well – at any rate, thanks for the interesting read. It let me escape work for a bit.

  58. You should think about what kind of “real” job you want and go on informational interviews. Find out how the women you admire got there and what it takes to get that job. Then think about going back to school part time, perhaps at night or online which might suit your schedule better.

    What have models successfully transitioned to? Lots of things:
    — stylist
    — magazine editor
    — actor
    — jewelry designer
    — fashion designer
    — marketing
    — talk show hosts, TV personality
    — anything you want

    Where do you have contacts? Marketing types, magazines, ad agencies etc. Go have coffee and be curious. Ask everyone about their jobs. Do they like it? Where do they want to go from here? How did they choose it? How does one get into their field?

    Boys are not going to make you feel self fulfilled. That comes from the inside. You might also want to look into hiring a life coach or a career coach … maybe you can swap services by blogging on your experience if price is an issue.

    You are a twenty something. You have your entire life ahead of you. Feeling old is only because you *currently* live in the warped time reality of a model. For the entire rest of the world, twenty-something is YOU HAVE YOUR ENTIRE LIFE AHEAD OF YOU. Carpe Diem.

  59. I totally get what you mean. I was the freaky tomboy kid who suddenly became hot and could get whatever guy I laid eyes on, and felt that I suddenly needed to prove this fact to all the sorry haters who used to step on me while growing up. But the fact is I grew tired of it – always focusing on what others thought of me rather than on what made ME happy. So I gave up full-time modeling, got myself a degree in graphic design and am currently working as an art director for a douche boss who constantly makes jokes about having young, hot girls work for him. But the fact of the matter is, I don’t really mind all that much. Despite him being a total jackass, I love my job. I still get my ego tickled doing odd modeling jobs that I myself pick out because I like the concept behind it – not because some agent tells me I should. Since I started doing what _I_ want to do, giving up all that you’re-only-worth-what-someone-will-pay-for-you bullshit, I developed my own strange kind of security – and lo and behold, like some sort of Hollywood celluloid b-flick, suddenly this stable, ruggedly sexy thing who gets my fucked up sense of humour, showed up and made me feel genuinely beautiful for the first time in my life.

    So I say kick it to the curb. You create your own reality. And you’re the only one who has to live it – so just make sure you don’t forget to look out for number 1.

  60. You’re in that awful transition stage where everything is unsettled and scary. How well you handle these moments in life will make you more capable of handling the hard stuff yet to happen. Life was never meant to be easy or fair but if you manage to find fun in the shit and chaos of it, the ride becomes much more tolerable. Plus, you will never be 28 again – be in this moment and make it great somehow…you have the ability to do that.

    Also, the Elaine dance doesn’t get me as many laughs as it used to (sometimes it even elicits looks of horror and confusion) but I don’t give a fuck – it’s all about that one person in the back of the room who gets it. xoxo

  61. lol good looking people don’t have real problems.
    “It’s why I have a slew of text messages from guys”

  62. Life is hard, for everybody. As a thirty-year-old with plenty of issues (and a seemingly great life from the outside), it’s taking me a lot longer than “everyone else” to grow up.

    You might be pretty now, but as you get to know and love yourself, you will be more beautiful, wrinkles and all.

  63. despite my post above: Your looks and narcissism work very well for you. for example, the whole airplane tweet comedy was because you were good looking enough for someone to lie to, and narcissistic enough to tweet and have alot of followers; but the fact that you are funny and witty makes it all work. career girls wish they were models.

  64. I love your honesty and hope you find someone that makes you happy. I agree with John’s comment about life not being easy for anyone. You have a talent and that’s writing. Why don’t you continue with that and see where it takes you. I can be rewarding on the long run and at least you can pour out your thoughts and feelings by writing. Keep it up and stay strong.

  65. as a 25 year old high-school-untouchable-caste turned bombshell stripper that is still secretly a hermit and depends on her 39 year old boyfriend partially because she is chose philosophy as her major and has no idea what the fucks she actually wants to do, I FEEL YA GIRL.

    1. Time to take the plunge into writing Melissa, you are a natural. Come to Australia to just be… Your soul will thank you.

  66. Yeah think about the contacts you have to make things happen, its not what you know its who you know… Hope this helps

  67. My grade school daughter is in a lonely phase. She gets along with the other kids okay but the other night got upset because she hasn’t any friends close enough to have a sleep-over.

    I tell her _I_ love her, but also that I know this doesn’t quite help. Because that’s my job and she knows that I’d find something to love in her no matter what. It is not nothing to her but it doesn’t check the box for “befriended for one’s own personal coolness”. She’ll hang in there, she’ll love and do the things she loves, and someday these will lead her to her own people.

    It is a similar problem to yours, people drawn to the pretty don’t really tell you much about the other parts of yourself because everyone is drawn to pretty. That won’t get clarified until being pretty stops being your calling card. And until you learn enough about communicating to discern who is in sync with you, and who just wants to hang around the glamor. Obviously “distracting yourself from the frustration with boys” is basically a death cycle for this particular confusion.

    You’re only stuck where you let yourself get stuck. Why can’t you get your degree, build a writing career, learn web design or marketing, build a business? No amount of money will ever solve this for you, you’re going to have to make something of yourself and then find the people that respond to that. Does it feel stupid to turn away a great income? Okay, bank the money, live modestly, stop letting pretty drive your social life and starting building what you’ll need when the modeling the stops.

    But none of this gets any clearer without a lot of work and attention, and probably some risk, on your part.

  68. If you wish it, than it won’t stay a dream. If you got tired of your supermodel life, than leave it. If you “envy” a real”successful” woman, than become a real “successful” woman. Ranting on the Web won’t help, as ranting about having a broken hear on Twitter/Web (trust me, it’s been a way to shout it loud without a real voice, but for me didn’t work. At all). Act more, speak less, and eventually you’ll change.

  69. Yeah. Life sucks that way. It’s something you’re never told while watching Sesame Street or Muppet Babies. When you’re a kid you never think about what adulthood will truly be like. You’re too busy playing.

    For me, when it did come to decide, I aspired to be a Fashion Designer. Couture, not Ready to Wear. I understand and get your feelings about the industry. Models aren’t treated great. It’s mostly fake, which is why I couldn’t do it. No dress is worth it.

    But Stetten, you’re not dead yet. In time the right doors will open. Just stay true, hold that head up and leave the emotionally unavailable men where they belong -> the curb. The right one will get you.

    Don’t cry. You’ll be just fine πŸ™‚

  70. Funny, poignant, raw, insightful, heartbreaking, and a slew of other adjectives describe what I just read. Thank you for breaking the typical vapid model stereotype.

    You’re clearly talented in areas that have nothing to do with your physicality. Once you realize this, you’ll have the strength to walk away from modeling and pursue your dreams, whatever they may be.

    But it all begins with you.

  71. Write a book about model life. You know how to write, obviously, and modelling is oh so popular right now, with all the next-supermodel-shows in tv. Perhaps it would be an instant hit, perhaps only an eye-opener to all the girls who want to live your life. Either way it would occupy your mind. Who knows – perhaps the plane incident made you famous enough for an instant offer from penguin…

  72. You’ll never be happy as a model. The shallow fulfillment you are seeking is not enough. It is for some, but not for you. Mark my words, continue working in this field and lusting after older men without taking a deep hard look into yourself and figuring out why you are so miserable and self-hating and you will never achieve inner peace.

  73. I don’t know if you read your comments. I don’t know if this will find you. I don’t know why I am writing this. I went through half of my day after I had read this and I wasn’t going to comment – but apparently I ‘had’ to because here I am, typing at my computer.

    First and foremost, you are intelligent. I think you already know this though – even if everything else seems to be a mess, you know that no one can ever take that away from you. You have so many gifts. You are witty, honest, self-aware and you are beautiful inside and out. Maybe me telling you these things won’t change anything, but realize if 1 person thinks these things, there must be more out there.

    You don’t need anti-depressants. Fuck anti-depressants. All they do is limit who you are. They numb you and make you a complacent zombie. I get it, because I’ve been there. I’ve been on medication. It’s fucked, don’t take it. I also know what it’s like when your mind decides its going to ruin your life. Your brain finds every problem with tomorrow before it has even begun. So why wake up? That’s the thing about being intelligent. It’s a curse and a gift. Happiness in intelligent people is extremely rare. I’ve just accepted happiness isn’t supposed to be something that you ‘are,’ rather its something that you ‘feel.’ You are allowed to feel other things too. That’s life. You’re human. You’re not supposed to be happy all the time.

    You said modelling isn’t something you want to be doing anymore. Why are you then? Have you asked yourself that? You must know deep down there is something else you feel you ‘should’ be doing. You have all these fantastic qualities and they are absolutely wasted on modelling because lets face it, that industry does not give a fuck about anything other than what you look like. So what should you be doing? I honestly don’t know, but I have an idea.

    I want to suggest something to you, and you’re probably going to judge it straight away and think “What the fuck, no. Those are the worst people on the planet. There isn’t anything worse than them.” I’m not talking about porn stars or strippers (Who are awesome, by the way)

    Acting.

    Before I start with this, most actors are fucked. I don’t hang out with actors. I don’t tell people “I’m an actor.” Most ‘actors’ aren’t actors, they’re idiots.
    So take everything you know, or have heard or experienced with acting and just for a moment, forget it.

    If you take away the business side of things, the craft itself is very fulfilling. You get to be different people. Also, there are a lot of weird people in acting. You’ll fit right in.

    I’m exhausted from writing this. I can’t continue. (shit actors say) but seriously. Think about it. Also, get some good training and make sure you’re a damn good actor. Otherwise you’ll be a model/actor.

    I’m going for a nap.

  74. Remember Melissa, when one door closes, another one opens.

    Unless it’s a revolving door. I can never figure out how that would work in the metaphor. Fucking revolving doors!

  75. I read your blog quite frequently. This was the best, most honest thing you’ve ever written. I think you’ll be amazed to see the amount of people that can sympathize with at least some small part of what is going on. Thank you for being so honest. Not only was it refreshing, but knowing that everyone feels this way to some extent makes life feel less lonely.

  76. everything about you screams “LA” and “NY” and snark and spoiled and drama. kind of gets old. “i’m pretty and i’m sad and i’m busy and every guy wants me and i don’t know what i want”. jesus, lady, go spend some time in jail or on a farm. then you will learn to appreciate life.

  77. Lol. Do you wish you were ugly? You sound “pretty” dumb not acknowledging that being good looking is an obvious advantage in life. Try going through your exact same life as Rachel Dratch or Sandra Bernhardt. Would probably, no definently be a lot harder.

  78. Hey Melissa I was the (far less successful) male version of you through my teens, 20’s and 30’s. By that I mean, although I couldn’t articulate it at the time nearly as succinctly or as articulately as you just did above, I felt *exactly* the same way. It was a solipsistic nightmare of hating the reliance on my looks for income (and I know I’m not hot now, but I worked as a model/ small time actor back in the day) , and the pressure I put on myself and the pressure I felt from the other side of the casting table was like being spritzed in the face with bile. It sucked, and I felt incredibly lonely not just because of how much I hated it it, but also because how much everyone around me seemed to love it (talent), and how much those who wanted to be in it envied me. I have some ideas on how to work through the ‘I can’t figure out why I’m like this’ block you’re experiencing, if you would find it of value let me know and I will follow up. A part of me wants to say explicitly this is NOT another attempt at pickup, I just felt a lot of empathy and sympatico with what you’re experiencing.

  79. Hey Stetten, I’m from TURKEY (I’m trying stress that it’s on the other side of the world) and reading your blog, so think writing as a career. Your Turkish fans will read your novel/watch your show πŸ™‚ (And we know all about Seinfeld, no worries)

  80. Oh sweety. Hang in there. ARe you still taking photos? I think you are very talented. Work on your creative side. It will be more fulfilling in the long run. Also you could making a fortune writing a “tell all” exposing the darkunderbelly of the modeling world. Like when they pressure girls to “entertain” wealthy foreign gentlemen. Seriously it will sell 10 million copies the first day. Good luck kiddo. You are doing great.

  81. And how old are you? Exactly. Which is great really, means you can possibly still outgrow the shallowness hidden behind a load of fake self-pitty, unable to hide your narcissism.
    I hope it helps, but I don’t think you are pretty at all. I can see you do an overdosed cocain addict on CSI though πŸ™‚
    We do have the same humor though. I hope you enjoy it.

  82. *rolleyes* I know quite a lot of pretty girls, even beautiful girls/women, who are very respected on account of their talents, intelligence and personalities. I’m pretty sure you can pull that off, too.
    I’m honestly NOT pretty and quite objectively unattractive. When you’re unattractive, people are *uninterested*. That’s the way it works. Be grateful for what you have. Or do you wanna trade places? Here is one ugly, penniless and ever single girl whose passing one day will be marked in the local newspaper by a short article saying that “an old spinster was lying dead in her flat for a week, when they found her, most of her had already been gnawed off, but the dog and the cats seemed well fed”. Make a wish tonight, I’ll make one, too – if it works out, we can compare our notes later.

  83. You sound depressed. Happiness comes from within. It doesn’t matter what your job is. You aren’t going find happiness outside yourself or from a job. Meditate, exercise, talk with friends and see a therapist.

  84. i can’t stand you or your outlook, but you are a briliiant writer. period. i will be reading what you write from now on.

  85. LOL! I love the life improvement comments you get here! I reckon people tend to take things too seriously. I like your writing.

  86. The quality of the writing is fine. The content is bullshit. You’re smart and pretty. Why would ANYONE feel bad for you? As others have mentioned, a lengthy, self-centered article disguised as some plea for sympathy, it’s just fucking annoying. You’ve been given far more than your fair share of gifts, stop bitching about it you fucking whiner.

  87. Eh. I mean i dont feel sorry for you (gb is right about happiness coming from within, so honestly it’s up to you), but i can empathize a bit.
    My only question: Really? Do you really want a REAL job? Like you could come be an executive in a Chicago office, but it’s hard work, and you’d only make 40K. Real jobs don’t pay that much. So it’s hard to believe that you want a job that’s mundane once you get used to it and pays far less than modeling….
    I understand having the stressful thought of What Next when modeling is over, but you have a fairly successful blog…..you could easily write articles or be an editor somewhere…..I’d keep this blog on the resume….

  88. Have you considered going back to school to get a degree in something, anything? It may make you feel more accomplished and now a days you can do it online in your “spare” time. Since LA moves more slowly that NYC you may find that you actually have that time waiting for the emails and call backs…just a thought. That way you could say “yeah Im a model but I also have a Bachelors so suck it”.

  89. “She Has It Easy” is the song I wrote about everything you’ve expressed.
    http://www.thesixtyone.com/theproposition#/s/XYzClJUkJKS/
    It’s part of a catalog called Pipe Dream Requiem. The funeral dirge of dreams departed, yet worth remembering. Your pain is very familiar… I love your impatience and drive. It reminds me of myself and why I wrote this catharsis. Celebrate your bliss, and don’t hold the sands of time so tightly they sift through your fingers.

    Hang in there. x

    Christi

  90. thank god! google does have it good points but most outweighed by the bad ones. it really is just a brain wash for the unfortunate. anything said on it doesn’t mean squat most of the time because people are lazy back there. or where ever they are.

  91. Here’s the deal. You are so honest and transparent. You write exactly what you think and that’s truly awesome. I’m laughing while reading all of your stuff because it’s how I would write if I were brave. Instead…I’m afraid that people would think I’m a big goofball (which I really am).

    I’ve always been the weird one…immature, jokes in my head all the time, impersonating people…blah blah blah…but I’m 35 and I’m still trying to be the mature, sophisticated person that everyone thinks a mother with 4 kids should be. BORING.

    Don’t stop being you. Be funny…

    Wake up in the morning and tell yourself you’re not going to put up with any more crap from these crazy men.

    LOVE yourself. Because you are amazing!!!

  92. No offense, but you’re not that pretty. Quite plain actually. Personality-wise you come across as very vapid, trashy, and low class.

    I suggest you go to university and get educated. You will not only learn a trade which can be used as springboard into a real career, but you might learn how to act like a dignified and respectful young woman.

  93. Just read your page when I was having my moment with google…. Well I see yours is a few months old now so I hope things have sorted out, and your happier.
    Anyhoo, the trick is to take yourself out of the equation, become completely selfless, do what people want you to for a job, and when your not on camera do what is right and in your heart, but be completely selfless.
    As for the old men lol they’re just seasoned charmers, like me 37 and chatting to a damsel is distress πŸ˜‰
    Ps your a model, and getting old, soon you’ll be doing only sporting goods, and then decrepit woollen/cardboard suits followed by colostomy bags. #forthemoney
    And that’s cause normal jobs suck, shit, I stick my life on the end of a rope, cleaning effing windows, every day, for a few extra pounds a day more. For the last year I’ve been under survelience by the police, now aside from running me over in a car, silencing my whole life, and shit that can only be made up in fiction books.
    Anyhoo, put like this. You are not just beautiful, but clearly one of the most beautiful women in the world…. So leave whatever it is to the make-up and hair people. And get a few good comebacks for those comidiens you have on speed dial for the wankers that make you feel bad, or just suck it in and go.
    Anyways it’s always better to chat about someone else’s problems.
    Have a better one!
    #7grocksnroll
    Ps look after yourself, there’s a big beautiful heart to match that face in there <3

    1. Pps just been reading over some of these comments here, come to Europe, or be a bit more adventurous, or Argentina. Kinda reminds me a bit like that scene in spaceballs, “he’s an asshole, sir…..”
      I don’t know… Just strength, inner strength, be effing strong!!!! <3

  94. My first thought with this was “da fuck. come on man, I don’t really need to hear someone who’s doing alright with life about how bad it really is”.

    That being said, I thought ‘alright, all our struggles are relative. This woman has hit a certain plane in her life, and she feels trapped. I get it.’ You lack freedom, and that actually sucks. It’s not like we’re in the third world, or in some other sphere of culture where it’s do or die. So this is actually kind of deep and interesting.

    What can I tell you – most guys suck. I suck. We pretty much like you cause you’re pretty first, and then later on we’re like “oh, ok this girl’s pretty rad”. Maybe motorcycle guy is rad himself. I hope so. Also, it’s tough being a single woman in this city period.

    Pretty sure this is late to the post, but you got yourself another follower. Don’t give up writing! The world needs more weirdos.

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