I was just in the UK for a month where I found myself a London agency and learned to drive on the other side of the road. I initially was going to be there for two weeks visiting James but the first week I was a victim to jet lag, and had some 24 hour vomiting flu thing. So I extended my ticket another few weeks. I did NOT expect to find an agency as easily as I did, but that, of course, is my low self-esteem talking.
The house where I was staying is about a 45 minute train ride into London, which I’m used to from my days of commuting from Long Island to Penn Station. I imagined London as a foggier New York, but it’s actually quite spread out which makes going to 5 castings a day challenging. I learned the underground system in one day. Fuck you NYC subway system! I still use google maps to get from the Lower East Side to Hells Kitchen. Get your shit together and color code your lines! Five-year-olds could maneuver the tube for fucks sake.
It’s been a while since I’ve actually posted something unique on this blog and not something from Vice. Nobody cares or notices except for me. Great. Good talk.
Anyway. I’ve been in LA for 4 days and on each of those days I wake up at 5am and instantly start panicking about everything. If I have shit I need to get done I will obsess over them until they’re completed. It’s very unhealthy and stresses me out far more than I need to be. Pills are helping, and I could increase my dosage to be a zombie but I NEED to have these feelings. I like being sad, just not all the time. Sometimes I feel like a boring, uncreative piece of garbage, and no matter how hard I think of something funny or interesting to say it’s just not there. That sentence scares me.
On Monday I had an audition at the Sunset Gower lot. I was so into this audition. The part was for a sassy, funny model. HELLO THAT IS ME IN REAL LIFE! The producer and writer and a bunch of other people were in the room, which would normally make me nervous and awkward but I was wearing my new Alexander Wang dress and I totes had this in the bag. There were a bunch of kids in the waiting room practicing their lines, and then there was me, sitting next to them on a couch with my sexy wardrobe and heels on. Child actors scare the shit out of me. They’re like tiny adults who are far too confident. I was called into the room and I strutted in there like “yeah, I’m the girl you’re hiring by the way, nice to meet you.” The audition was one line, and I nailed it. Every single person in the room laughed, that’s hard to do. I impressed the shit out of them.
I rarely leave auditions feeling confident but I knew I was going to book this. On my way out of the building I was fiddling with my phone and looked up to see a cute girl walking towards me. I stared at her like I knew her, stumbled over my heels a little and then realized who it was- TOPANGA FROM BOY MEETS WORLD! This was a sign of good things to come. She looked awesome. I wanted to be her so badly when I was 13. It was a great Monday so far. I picked myself up a strawberry banana smoothie and went home awaiting my phone call confirming that I booked the job.
An hour later as I was surfin’ the ‘net and I heard that little ding when you receive an email on my phone. I checked my email on my laptop and saw it was from my manager: “They thought you were fantastic but going with another actress.”
WAIT WHAT? IMPOSSIBLE! I read it again and said “well, fuck.”
I was bummed for about five minutes, but I was so happy to have made eye contact with one of my childhood heroes that it didn’t fucking matter.
So, now my dilemma is deciding where I want to be. Los Angeles or London. I could go to London and be with James and probably work quite a bit modeling, or I could stay in LA and focus on shit here- auditioning and writing. My brain is telling me to stay in LA but my heart is telling me to go to London (that’s the cheesiest thing I’ve ever said). I promised myself I would never let another man be the deciding factor on what I should do/where I should be. I need to do what I think is the best choice for my career. But if I put that in front of a relationship would I regret that? Or am I going to regret living in London when I need to get my shit together in LA? I’m not saying London is awful- I could potentially work there and have a great life with James and his dog. I love being in different places and having new stimuli around, and it would be great for my blog to write about modeling in London.
But Los Angeles has been great to me, as much as I tried so hard to dislike it. I started to miss it when I was outside in the rain looking for my castings in cold ass London. I’m sorry, LA, can we be friends again?
I don’t know what to do with my life, as always.