I switched birth control pills a few weeks ago to a brand that my insurance covers because I’m sick of paying $100 a month to not have children. I already get super emotional the week I’m off the pills, but switching to different ones made me extra super woman-y. I was listening to The Slim Shady LP on my subway ride into Manhattan this morning. The song “If I had” came on, ya know, that super emo song where Eminem talks about shit he’s tired of. He said that line, “I’m tired of having skinny friends hooked on crack and mini-thins…” and it made me think of being a teenager in Michigan and buying those awful cheap ephedrine pills from gas stations. So naturally, I started crying? Hi, my name is Melissa and it’s that time of the month. Oh, but then a woman with a crying baby got on at the Wall St. stop and immediately I thought to myself, “aww what a cute little baby,” and became happy again. Hi, my name is Melissa and I’m also a sociopath.
I’m subletting a place in Brooklyn this month because trying to get modeling jobs in Los Angeles when you have the worst print agency in the world is impossible (my contract is up this month, I’m totally bailing on those jerks). I was originally planning on going back to London because I have a fantastic agency there but this really funny thing happened where I don’t have a boyfriend there anymore so New York it is! Did I mention there is no air conditioning in my sublet and today it was 97 degrees? Oh I didn’t? Well there’s not and it fucking is. The ghetto home depot down the street is out of air conditioners and I’m only in this apartment for two more weeks so fuck it. I keep saying (out loud to myself because there’s no one else here) in Kramer’s voice, “it’s like a sauna in here!” That episode is also the one where George gets accosted for double-dipping a chip and Elaine “accidentally” trips into Jerry’s girlfriend to see if her breasts are real. It’s amazing how much great shit is packed into one Seinfeld episode.
Oh, I cried again on the way home because I felt ugly and fat. HAHA I love being a woman! I had a casting this morning for a job where they would paint a dress on my body and take photos for a campaign. I had to stand in my bra and underwear in front of three people who I imagined were disgusted by my random mystery leg bruises and sunburnt shoulders. I didn’t eat anything before that casting because even one blueberry would make me look fat. That’s a sentence I just typed and an actual thought that went through my mind today. No, I don’t have body-image issues. Don’t be ridiculous! As I left that casting I walked past a line of models who were taller and prettier than me. Well, from my perspective.
It’s been a rough day, guys.
What do you do when you feel awful? You call a friend who is nice enough to say you’re a fucking idiot for having those thoughts. Another thing you do is NOT go to Topshop to try on skirts because the lighting in those dressing rooms is awful. Get it together, Topshop. I totally would’ve bought that blue skirt had the lighting not made me look like Powder after getting kicked in the shins.
BRB, forgot to take my Lexapro.