Weekly column for VICE!

I’m writing a weekly column for VICE UK. Here’s the first one: http://www.vice.com/en_uk/read/melissa-stetten-pretty-bored-column
Hi. I’m Melissa. I’ll be writing a weekly column for VICE until I run out of things to say or you stop reading, whichever comes first. It’s like the car warranty where you’re covered up to 50,000 miles or for three years, at which point they bend you over the trunk and fuck you in exchange to fix your brakes.… Read more

That one time a gross photographer kissed me

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Backstage Alice & Olivia F/W 2011

Test shoots are essential for models to keep their portfolios up to date. Half of my photos are from jobs and the other half are from non-paying shoots. I hate test shoots. There’s a 50/50 chance I’ll actually receive the photos.… Read more

The Commercial Audition

Commercial auditions are the equivalent of selling your soul to play air guitar with a can of Coke. You’re basically a puppet for casting directors to see how far you’ll go to book a $20,000 paying national commercial. I’ve gone to tons of callbacks for commercials but I have yet to book one of the big ones, I’ve only done the smaller shitty ones.… Read more

You’re pretty, so everything must be easy for you.

If being pretty solves all your problems, then I must be living in some sort of fucked up world that Rod Serling couldn’t even write. Maybe one episode of the Twilight Zone where that crazy broad Janet gets plastic surgery to improve her looks but it does nothing and everyone looks like monsters or something, I don’t actually remember, it doesn’t fucking matter.… Read more

“I love her!”

Waiting in the Diane Von Furstenberg model closet.

Oh goodie, it’s market month again. That means two things: I’ll make decent money and I’ll be bored out of my fucking mind. I’m actually writing this from a showroom, wearing a nude-colored american apparel one piece swimsuit and uncomfortable heels so I’m ready to run over to a designer’s rack in case clients need to see clothing on a model.… Read more

Fashion Week (Month) & Mental Breakdowns

Fashion week: F/W12 or A/W12, whatever, Fall and Autumn are the same fucking thing. I only had 2 mental breakdowns this season, that’s quite a feat for me. I’m currently flying to Miami drinking a bloody mary and sitting next to the human equivalent of Gollum.… Read more

Age & Looks & All That Bullshit

I’m in my 20s still but would be considered ancient in the modeling world. I have nothing to worry about, really, other than my appearance. That sentence just sounds absurd but it’s my primary burden being a model. You’ve heard all models say “I was SOOO ugly in high school blah blah acne skinny wah wah…” but it was true for me, I had atrocious skin and a dumb lip piercing.… Read more


It’s market month again, which means I get to amass myself in with the real employees of NYC. I wake up before 7am to catch the LIRR into Penn Station. I stand in line behind the same tall mid-20’s guy with the futuristic Bose headphones I see every morning at Starbucks, waiting for my grande chai latte with soy milk and 1 shot of espresso.… Read more

Half Bulimic

I’d say 3 times is the amount of pre-runway show vomits I’ve heard. The first time I was genuinely concerned for the haggard 5’11” 17 year old with a French accent. “Oh my god are you ok? Can I get you some water?” “Nope.” As she rinsed out her mouth and wiped the mascara from underneath her teary eyes.… Read more