Pretty Bored

Dating In Your 30s: Ugh

A friend of mine was telling me about the two years he spent dating in San Francisco. He went on hundreds of dates, yes HUNDREDS, which is the actual definition of Hell for me. He’s very outgoing and has tons of energy- he’s one of those Soul Cycle freaks- so this lifestyle suited him well.… Read more

“So, what do you do?”

“So, what do you do?”

I used to dread this question. I’d mumble something like, “I kind of write sometimes and I’m a semi-retired model, what do you do?” Deflecting attention off myself was a constant mission. I never wanted to talk about my life because it never seemed as interesting as what everyone else was doing.… Read more

Delivering A Cat To Jane

“Say goodbye to Asa,” I held my cat and faced her towards her best friend of six years.

When splitting up cats that grew up together, you have to make sure the cat staying sees the other cat leave, otherwise they’ll be confused and look for the other cat.… Read more

A man cheated on his wife with me… and she wrote a book about it.

Not surprisingly, it didn’t take long for me to succumb to the LA stereotype of dating an older man. My first job in LA (well, second, if you count being a personal assistant to a woman who transcribed medical records and claimed she was psychic) was at a camera rental store on Melrose Avenue, not the trendy part- the shitty part by the freeway.… Read more

Shut The Fuck Up And Let Me Help You

“This is what happens when you don’t let me see my cat.”

Jane pulls back her hospital bracelet to reveal two giant scars on her wrist. I cringe and look at the nurse. She doesn’t react, but instead slides a piece of paper over and asks me to sign.… Read more

Through The (Bulletproof) Looking Glass – My First Jail Visit

“On a scale of 1-10 how bad is the Lynwood jail?”

“6,” texted my lawyer friend.

A stream of unfortunate events involving drugs, alcohol, and domestic violence ended with my friend being arrested and put in jail two weeks ago. She is the furthest thing from a criminal, but with the way her life has been going the past few years it was either this or death.… Read more

The Finish Line: My Racecar Days In Kalamazoo

My first car was a stick-shift. I learned to drive that thing within the first hour of getting it. I loved blasting my Wu-Tang Forever CD and pretending I was a racecar driver through the desolate streets of Kalamazoo, Michigan. There’s nothing more frightening than a 16-year-old with a new driver’s license and love of rap music.… Read more

I Want My Best Friend Back (Part 3)

(This essay originally appeared on Flip Collective)

***

A month passed and things were starting to calm down. I packed up our Koreatown apartment and brought Jane her things. It was almost as moving out of our apartment cured Jane.… Read more

I Want My Best Friend Back (Part 2)

(Originally appeared on Flip Collective)

***

Jane was my roommate, but more importantly—she’s been my best friend for 16 years. She started drinking heavily shortly after she met Ron in 2011. For the first few months, Ron was suave and charming.… Read more

I Want My Best Friend Back (Part 1)

Originally posted on FlipCollective

The 101 Freeway. Bad traffic. On the radio, the quiet hum of NPR’s All Things Considered talking about kids eating laundry pods and getting sick, because kids are idiots.

My best friend, Jane, half-asleep/half-passed-out on her pillow.… Read more

Dear Ok Computer, I Wish I Had Written You

I read an essay for the LA Women of Letters show at The Mint. The notes were to write a letter to something you wish you had written. I chose my favorite album of all time: OK Computer. Moby and Tim Minchin were also in the show. … Read more

I’m in a Foster The People music video!

I’m in the new Foster the People music video for “Best Friend” eating models! I play a runway model who is insecure about my looks, and I’ve discovered that if I eat younger models I can stay young and pretty by absorbing their beauty.… Read more

Auditioning To Play A Young Mom Made Me Horrified To Have Children

(Originally posted on XoJane)

I’ve been to my share of “young mom” commercial auditions in the past year, but have yet to book one. I’m in that weird age group where I’m slightly too young looking to be considered a “yogurt-loving-mom” but still too old to be an “attractive hot model.” My agent sends me on the “mom” auditions because I’d rather get lucky at a Pampers audition than have to dance in front of a room full Rockstar Energy Drink CEOs all named “Ryder” while wearing a bikini at a “pool party.”

Yesterday I had an audition to play a “cool ex-hipster kind of mom” for a commercial.… Read more

Sometimes I Don’t Feel Feminine Because I Have Small Boobs

When I was 13, I remember thinking, “Man, I can’t wait to get boobs.”

My grandmother, mom, and sister all have great boobs, so it made sense that I would soon have them. Well, it never happened.

I mean, I have boobs, but my bra size is 34A.