What if I started this blog with “Hey guys, been SUPER busy lately, no time to update you on my SUPER important life because I’ve been doing SUPER awesome things that YOU wouldn’t understand.” How much would you hate me? SO MUCH! Anyway…
I have odd sleeping patterns so waking up at 8am everyday would not suit me. Most jobs I do are physically and emotionally straining (haha, good one Melissa). Looking pretty all day and standing in odd contorted positions for many hours is like doing yoga for a long period of time, or having sex with someone you stopped being interested in 5 minutes into the makeout session but feel obligated to get naked with because they bought you dinner and paid for the cab. Sometimes giving in is just easier than explaining why the way they use chopsticks makes you want to puke. Or how they always tell you they’re SO busy with work. I forgot what I was talking about.
I had a shoot last week in Central Park. It was 55 degrees and partly sunny. I was willing to suck it up until I saw the clothing I was wearing. Tiny-ass skimpy dresses. Look, I’m thankful for my job, but if I’m cold or uncomfortable I am not happy. I had my jacket to wear in between shots, while I was changing OUTSIDE behind a curtain. I was naked in Central Park at least 20 times, shivering from the cold and on the verge of tears. I respect everyone I work with and try to make the work environment as pleasurable as possible. But FUCK I WAS FREEZING! The shoot was about 8 hours, ugh. At one point I had to wear a sleeveless, backless mini dress in front of a fountain, waiting for pedestrians to move out of the way to get a good shot. I had goosebumps, because, well, I WAS COLD.
Photographer: “You have goose bumps, could you get rid of those?”
Me: “I’m sorry, what?
Photographer: “Well, it’s supposed to be a summer shoot, if you have goosebumps you’ll look cold.”
Me: “Hey, I’m cold, sorry my body is reacting in a natural way to the temperature.”
Photographer: “You wanted to be a model, deal with it.”
Now, I’m a nice person, so I didn’t respond to that comment. Here’s what I said in my head:
“Hi, excuse me, what was your name again? Oh right you never introduced yourself to me. You were too busy smoking a cigarette and eating a croissant this morning to notice me or the other model. Also, you look like you could lose a few pounds, Orson Welles. Sure, this is my job and I don’t HAVE to be here, but complaining to me about having goosebumps when I’m a fucking skinny ass girl outside in the cold is bullshit. You’re bullshit. You stand here in a slutty dress with tourists staring at your body trying to keep mascara from dripping down your face from the drizzle, bitch. That’s right. Fuck. I’m hungry, are there any more croissants?”
Not all jobs are fun, in fact most suck, but I do appreciate indoor shoots with tables full of snacks and a respectful crew who understand the basic needs of models, like water and breaks. That’s it. A bottle of fucking water. I’ll wear six inch heels that are two sizes too small for DAYS, but if I’m so cold that I can feel my fucking ribcage shivering I will be unhappy.
So, to you sir, photographer, I never caught your name, I hope you get run over by a car.
It sounds like this photographer was looking for something to bitch about. What the heck would they expect you to do? Pull a propane space heater out of… [thin air?] Or will your skin to not do stuff?
What’s next, “hey there’s a vane throbbing could you stop your pulse till the end of this shoot? But do remain upright, we don’t want to wrinkle this borrowed couture dress…” You, um sure, but you do have a defibrillator? Photog, What? No! your supposed to bring that from home…”
I understand being jaded, or having personal problems etc. but this person’s being a straight up jackass.
I like reading your stuff,its neat.
Thanks for sharing
Craig
Couldn’t post in the “Trophy Wife” entry but just wanna say that it never made sense that you were with that hate-filled bitter old misogynist geezer.
For one thing it didn’t make sense because of the disparity in your looks, but beyond that, what in the hell would possess someone as intelligent and hilarious as you to become involved with that ridiculous dirt bag? He’s moderately funny on occasion but for the most part he’s just bitter, boring, and ugly. The way he regards women is disgusting and he’s a pervert.
Why, Melissa? Jesus.
Your post was honest and it’s clear that you got involved to that extent because of something lacking in yourself that you will likely outgrow. When you do, you will then retch with disgust and embarrassment when you look back at that relationship.
So while you have no one else to blame for involving yourself, your post was quite sympathetic and it’s actually nice to see that there is more to you than a gold-digger who would waste her life sitting in front of the TV with a perverted loser “shock jock” (said with no irony).
The saddest thing is the idea that you seem unaware that there are nice, guys who are much funnier, much wealthier if that’s your thing, and much better people than that idiot. And lord knows better looking. And instead of envying his existence like his fat fan boys who jerk off to his show every day, decent guys regard it as depraved and pathetic. Anthony and the fat fan boys protest that fact because they are empty and wish to believe everyone else is damaged like them. But there are decent guys and they are called “men” Melissa. You’ll love them and you will love the way they make you feel about yourself and your relationships with them.
One thing is absolutely certain. Anthony Cumia will never be with another woman as lovely and bright and funny as you, just as he never was before. You were his peak, and we all understand it was not because he is worthy but because you are still working out issues.
It’s good to see that you will be moving on with your life and becoming the person worthy of your brilliance, beauty, and talent.
VERY well put Alex. I agree 100%.
I’m 26 (I’d imagine a typical age of their chauvinist jock itch listener)
And I’ve never listened to them. I only became aware of Ms. Stetten when another comedian/writer was retweeting something she posted around a year ago. I only became aware of O&A’s existence maybe a few years ago from their appearances on Letterman (at every which time I’d flip over to a rerun of a sitcom or something… but never Leno) Although Stern appears quite more respectable in his private life, I personally don’t find any
“shock jock” personality funny, interesting or entertaining at all. They might have their moments, but they’re far and few in between, and even then, at some point, when you can almost physically feel that your intellectually unquenched, they’ll undoubtedly prove predictively formulaic, and finally, so transparently lacking in real humor that they’re just insipidly beige and cringe inducing.
Hey Melissa. Pretty interesting blog about Anthony. Happy for you that you had the strength to leave him.
Every dude that comments here just wants to put his thing inside you.
“Susan” eh…
WRONG.
First of all -All guys “wants to put his thing inside” anyone that looks at all attractive to us. However, no one would take the time to post long form supportive comments if it wasn’t about the fact that she’s funny frank, and genuine. It’s about community sharing experiences and perspectives.
Like her being someone from the Midwest and her foray into the very unusual career of the modeling world
You’ll know it’s about some delusion that we’re going to “hook up” or whatever the hell, if you see a dumbfuck posting their email or phone number or asking her to follow them on twitter or some dumb shit. Besides which, males are extremely visual, there are very few pictures of Melissa herself in this entire blog. so that argument doesn’t even hold water…
you betchur ass baby!
What Susan said … oh and Melissa, call me baby
First I want to say that I find your blogs very interesting and funny.
I would love to read the anthony one but it is protected.
Will you make it available again?
Hey, you’re a great writer, just like JM said … I’m sure it’s a drag being a model in a lot of ways, but you make it funny & entertaining. Thanks for putting a human face on the airbrushed model-y one!
Now I’m addicted to your writing. Girl, you are huge! Let me send you virtual snacks and slippers, and a coat, so you feel warm, comfortable and nicely fed. Hugs from Rio/Brazil.
Having to change outside in freezing weather with just curtain for protection is ridiculously unprofessional on the part the photograher and other agents/businesses involved.
Of course you have goosebumps in freezing weather! They should have either a) had outdoor gas heaters keep you warm (and hence in summer weather mode/no goosebumps) or b) WAIT FOR WARMER WEATHER U FUCKWITS OR C) Shoot in INDOORS with greenscreen and replace background digitally, which is so simple these days that amateurs can do it at home with camera and computer software.
You are right to be pissed off with such as stupid operation, especially when the photography cant even be bothered with a simple meet & greet before beginning the shoot!
Found your blog via Google+ post and so glad I did! YOUR HILARIOUS and great to read, and not so vain and in love with yourself like most models are.
One question, what is this about a password for some posts? Your asking for a WordPress password? Or does your blog have member accounts and where is the link to sign up, dont see it on the blog?
Keep up the good work, love your stuff, I may even be tempted to use twitter to follow you, a tech I have resisted at every turn until now.
“Not all jobs are fun, in fact most suck, but I do appreciate indoor shoots with tables full of snacks and a respectful crew who understand the basic needs of models, like water and breaks. That’s it. A bottle of fucking water.”
That’s it? Are you serious? When was your last reality check?
The sales cycle for clothes is such that you are shooting winter in the summer and vice versa. I guess it’s cheaper to shoot outdoors than fake it indoors. I read about these jackets with built in power source to provide heat. http://gerbing.com/
that photographer… WHAT AN ASSHOLE!