by Melissa Stetten
I’m writing a weekly column for VICE UK. Here’s the first one: http://www.vice.com/en_uk/read/melissa-stetten-pretty-bored-column
Hi. I’m Melissa. I’ll be writing a weekly column for VICE until I run out of things to say or you stop reading, whichever comes first. It’s like the car warranty where you’re covered up to 50,000 miles or for three years, at which point they bend you over the trunk and fuck you in exchange to fix your brakes.… Read more
Test shoots are essential for models to keep their portfolios up to date. Half of my photos are from jobs and the other half are from non-paying shoots. I hate test shoots. There’s a 50/50 chance I’ll actually receive the photos.… Read more
Commercial auditions are the equivalent of selling your soul to play air guitar with a can of Coke. You’re basically a puppet for casting directors to see how far you’ll go to book a $20,000 paying national commercial. I’ve gone to tons of callbacks for commercials but I have yet to book one of the big ones, I’ve only done the smaller shitty ones.… Read more
If being pretty solves all your problems, then I must be living in some sort of fucked up world that Rod Serling couldn’t even write. Maybe one episode of the Twilight Zone where that crazy broad Janet gets plastic surgery to improve her looks but it does nothing and everyone looks like monsters or something, I don’t actually remember, it doesn’t fucking matter.… Read more
Oh goodie, it’s market month again. That means two things: I’ll make decent money and I’ll be bored out of my fucking mind. I’m actually writing this from a showroom, wearing a nude-colored american apparel one piece swimsuit and uncomfortable heels so I’m ready to run over to a designer’s rack in case clients need to see clothing on a model.… Read more
I booked a job as a fit model, their normal model was out of town or something so I replaced her for the day. Fit modeling is comparable to showroom work, I call it the office job of modeling. It pays well but it is not glamorous by any means.… Read more
What if I started this blog with “Hey guys, been SUPER busy lately, no time to update you on my SUPER important life because I’ve been doing SUPER awesome things that YOU wouldn’t understand.” How much would you hate me? SO MUCH!… Read more
I spent last week going to castings and callbacks for a huge client. I did a job for them last year which could afford me a small shitty house in the northern peninsula of Michigan. In hindsight I probably should have moved there and married an ice fisherman.… Read more
I take the subway downtown to the last stop, which is basically the hub of Wall Street. It’s the part of New York where you’d expect to see Gordon Gecko jerking off all over the cobblestone streets and men with briefcases yelling on cellphones.… Read more
Fashion week: F/W12 or A/W12, whatever, Fall and Autumn are the same fucking thing. I only had 2 mental breakdowns this season, that’s quite a feat for me. I’m currently flying to Miami drinking a bloody mary and sitting next to the human equivalent of Gollum.… Read more
I get a call from my agent at 6pm for a 6:30pm casting.
“You’re their favorite, it’s very important Melissa, make sure to look your best. Remember we had that talk about getting as many new clients as possible? Well this is one of them.”
Yeah yeah yeah, I’ve heard that before.… Read more
I’m in my 20s still but would be considered ancient in the modeling world. I have nothing to worry about, really, other than my appearance. That sentence just sounds absurd but it’s my primary burden being a model. You’ve heard all models say “I was SOOO ugly in high school blah blah acne skinny wah wah…” but it was true for me, I had atrocious skin and a dumb lip piercing.… Read more
I stroll down 63rd street looking for a casting for a designer I’ve never met. Usually these things are in studios or offices, rarely are they in actual boutiques. I see an address two numbers above and below where I need to be.… Read more
I believe in equal rights for women, but at the same time my occupation is based on the encouragement of objectifying women for their looks. So what does that say about me other than I look good in sample size Alexander Wang?… Read more
The best memories of my 20’s have been with my friend Jason. He is an intelligent version of Judd Nelson/Jim Carey/Val Kilmer with the style of a 70’s Chazz Palminteri. He works as a stock broker, or something similar, I’ve never really asked.… Read more
My best friend Lizzy tagged along with me on a day of castings during fashion week.… Read more
My life is fashion, yet I wear a version of the same old faded t-shirt, skirt and boots basically every day. I love shopping online and seeing the latest collections from Alexander Wang and Marc Jacobs. I picture myself in the clothes and feel like I would be a better person if I spend $1000 on a dress.… Read more
Yesterday I was working in the showroom with a girl who was 5’10” and weighed no more than 100 pounds. She was fresh out of high school from Florida but spoke German as well. Her skin was so transparent I could see all 206 of her bones.… Read more
It’s market month again, which means I get to amass myself in with the real employees of NYC. I wake up before 7am to catch the LIRR into Penn Station. I stand in line behind the same tall mid-20’s guy with the futuristic Bose headphones I see every morning at Starbucks, waiting for my grande chai latte with soy milk and 1 shot of espresso.… Read more
